2017

2017.

It's seems like a number from a futuristic storybook but it is not.
The future is here.
And I'm not sure if I'm ready to embrace it.

2017.

you sound like a year
from a world that's not mine but someone else's
you don't sound like a year that I can be a child in
you make it seem like it's time to grow up

2017

how many tears and laughs and sighs and screams will you bring?


2017.

What a scary thought.
What a lovely thought
What an interesting thought.

3 am

Lying down at 3 am thinking of the way
My sharp edges hurt you
I didn't mean to

The greed for attention
Arrested my weak heart
I'm sorry

Sorry for the times
I pushed you down
So that I could protect myself
From vulnerability
Sorry for the times
I let my walls build up so high
Shutting you out

I'm sorry
I love you.

heart

I feel like my dictionary
of words
to form bodies,
reality
is too narrow

breaking at the seams
my heart
the threads
they run
the metal screws
rust
my heart is loosed

liquid everywhere
blood perhaps
pumps
falls
why

I don't want to be clingy

Darkness
and tiny lights
here and there

broken bones
everywhere

I'm chasing lights
tiny candles
chasing winds and tides
crying
misty
absorbed by nothingness
meaningless
sighing like Solomon
screaming like Nebuchadnezzar

Be strong
be weak
slut
die
move
cry

punch

you're like guitar strings
ever making me try to tune you
to be accurate
but what is accuracy
you pretend to make beautiful sounds
but how do I differentiate beautiful and ugly
who cares
why

I don't want to be clingy

eighteen

When I was younger

I dreamt of kissing misty clouds

mysterious hearts

shrouded

then I grew older

and I wanted pure gold

strength and beauty

now I'm only eighteen

I dream of kissing sunsets

warm, hovering over me

light but weighty

mine alone

I don't know what I'll feel like

when I'm twenty-five

but I know that when I'm eighty

sitting in silky, ragged pajama bottoms 

I'll just long for weathered kisses

both sunshine and storms all wrapped into one

my beloved will be every season wrapped into

screams and laughs and tears and smiles

cinnamon buns and coffee and vodka and celery

misty clouds, gold, sunshine and You.

I Dream of a World

i am trying to tie these emotions
into a neat knot
into words
but i cannot

i am dreaming of fulfillment
i hate that word
it is too lofty
satisfaction is also a very unsatisfying word

i am dreaming of fullness
yes that is a better word
i dream of fullness, of joy
i dream of touch but sweet touch

i dream of a world
where everything is deliberate
where there are no sweet caresses for self-satisfaction
where there is no pretending

i dream of a world
where we say what we mean
but alas i would never dare help to build
that world

but if these dreams remain dreams
then they are not dreams in the least
but mere fancies
dreams are meant to come true

i dream of a world
where beauty is distinct but not exclusive
i dream of a world where there is love.

Little Girl and Music

I once knew a little girl who lived in the outbacks of Southeast Asia. Pretty smile she had. No mom and no dad. Little Girl loved to sing and she would sing all day in the humidity that bound most people to negativity. She sang in the humidity.

When she turned twelve, she realized that the moist air pushed down her voice. That her voice didn't matter. That every note that rang from her strong throat would only rise to the first molecule outside her mouth, then dissipate, never to be seen again.

The joy of the song was no more. She cried for a little while then she learned to live without song. She realized no one heard the music, no one knew what music was.

When she was fifteen, she heard a strange story that there were elves who could touch you in ways that made you feel music again. She longed for music again. She let the elves touch her.

It turns out the elves were evil. Their eyes glistened like silver but concealed only rusty hearts.
And so even the elven music died and she felt no joy again.

When she was eighteen, she saw a baby singing. And to her surprise, she felt tiny traces of joy as the baby's mouth moved. She began to sing with the baby. The baby looked straight at her with piercing blue eyes and they began to sing together. As they sang, the girl began to hear the music get louder.

She realized that even though the humidity of the air seemed to absorb the music, the collective sound of a persistent song became potent in the air over time. For you see, the music was never absorbed. It simply diffused, spread. And the more of it you let into the air, the stronger the sound became.

And so she sang again.

i sleep in

i sleep in
because i know that waking
up will only bring with it
knowledge
unwanted knowledge
of being unwanted

i stay up
because i don't want
to give in to death
to cry again

i stay up waiting
for somebody to hold me
i stay up
waiting

but i know tomorrow will come
and i will need to rise
i do not see a purpose for my life

I do not love. I merely tolerate

“Charlie, don’t you get it? I can’t feel that. It’s sweet and everything, but it’s like you’re not even there sometimes. It’s great that you can listen and be a shoulder to someone, but what about when someone doesn’t need a shoulder. What if they need the arms or something like that? You can’t just sit there and put everybody’s lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can’t. You have to do things.”

Chbosky, Stephen. The Perks of Being a Wallflower (p. 200). MTV Books. Kindle Edition.


This resonates deeper than it should. I cannot justify indifference as love. I cannot justify being unfeeling towards myself and faking feeling towards others as love. I do not love. I merely tolerate.

Sajak Cinta Generik

Andai kata aku melambai jiwaku
di depan matamu
Pasti kesannya hanya muka merah
kita berdua

jadi aku menenangkan debaran hati
dan aku menunggu
pasti di pelantaran
bilaku berputus asa
di sana ku akan menemuimu

tangan di tangan
hati di hati
jantung berdebar
irama sama

roh penari
hidup berkobar-kobar
dalam pergerakan kita

Ed Sheeran and Elf Land and A Land That Is Not My Own

I am a a little concerned because I don't seem to be inclined to socialize and I am sorry and I am sad and I can feel my tightened nerves and I know that if I were to descend they wouldn't care and this rambling is uncharacteristic of me but I do not care and I am trying, trying. I lied. I am not trying. I was trying but now I am just typing because the thought of rejection makes me squirm and I will go back to listening, or perhaps only hearing music and I will always hear the horns of elf land and if you read this and understand this then we must be kindred spirits.

the concreteness of life bothers me
the brick walls that surround my strange existence
in a land that is not my own
and yet I am not sure what is happening
I am scarily blur today
maybe that's a good thing
this is a horrible poem
but it's okay
it's okay to write horribly
it must be okay
tender buttons was okay
surely this is okay
I feel like punching and crying
and compulsively listening to Ed Sheeran
probably hasn't helped with that.
there must be mist
and shadows and things not quite seen

I will not give in to nothingness.

Random Gushes

This floor makes me feel like tap dancing these shoes make me want to run
I cannot wait for my Narnian walking tours. May I go to New Zealand

The Rainbows Won't Fight

Faerie stories
and windblown nights
you and I

I wrote a manuscript for a book
but forgot to dot the "i"s

It's not an animal longing
it is a panting deeper inside
I can hear the rainbows falling
as they give in to the  rain that won't stop
that becomes a storm that rages
that kills the rainbows
but the rainbows won't fight

the rainbows seem to die.

I used to dream of pirouettes
and apple pies and warm kisses
but now all that's left seems to be
groping and tugging

cuddle.

my fingers are restless
they need to write
but the longing tonight seems to paralyze
rather than revitalize

with every word i write
i feel anxiety dripping from my pores
tonight

this is a plea for you to care
dare

how shall we fare.
tell me
how.

I don't blame you anymore
I don't blame anyone
I dream of it
The beauty, reality
But I realize that not all is as it should be

I've sold myself to lesser things
I just don't wanna be alone
I've had enough of the tears cried
At midnight
When everyone else is laughing on the outside.

I've had enough of the fairy tales
They bug me with perfection
I've had enough of loving myself
All that's led to is rejection

I reject myself as a person.

I feel like just giving in to the tide
I'm unbeautiful
Cries
Fight for me
Fight for what's right
Don't stand down
Fight
Fight

God I'm sorry for giving in.

I suck.

Can You send me a group of the lovely friends?
I'm uprooted and still flying
I cannot do this
I am dying
there is no more beauty left
When all that is sacred is ripped and tried and ugh
I do not make sense anymore
And I don't care
I want to die

When I think of you

When I think of you
I don't imagine a sharp nose
or gelled hair
or a smooth, clean shaven face

I think rather of a raspy voice
rough, dry but flowing
I think of words

I think of the songs you sing
No, you're not a man the girls are after
you're a man that sings the songs
that other guys steal

I think of a man
who cares far more about the poetry
than about the shape of his beard
about where his feet walks
than the state of his toenails

Sarah Kay says it is hard
to build a body out of words
But when I think of you
I think of your words

When I think of you
I think of a man
who cares far more about the world
than about whether the world cares about him

When I think of you
I think of a man like your Master
More than the words that I'm so drawn to
I think of a man
Not with haloes and crowns
But a man who sees

When I think of you
I think of a man who has wept in the darkness
Who has cried and shoved and finally slept
In the arms of the Man of men

Like a hand

Like a hand that presses down
on your chest and refuses to leave
and the fingers are tainted with poison
and thorns
yes, thorns that were concealed by roses
and fairies and dreams
and when the sun left
and it went to night
and you could only feel
you couldn't see anymore
then you felt for the first time
you felt the thorns against you
the poison seep in
the poison that had been disguised by pretty roses
and dainty smells
now poignantly, pointedly pushing you into
darkness.

Ode to Metaphors/ unlike you

Compulsively listening to Ed Sheeran
Smiling then crying
I can feel the knot

I was gonna write this for beauty
I'm too distracted

No matter how much I do
It's never enough

Ugh
Ugh

My fears have been realized
I am nothing to you
And by you, I mean all of you.

Nothing
If I screamed
As I do
No one cares
I have no beauty it seems
regarded to my existence

you say you miss me
but i'm the one hunting you down
you, me, we
i don't intend to make sense
i've neglected that long ago

i am compulsively writing
just trying
to make sense of these words

i want metaphors
but i will not search for them
i've searched for too long
just like i've searched for you too long

the metaphors must chase me down
if they want to be written

shoot
i just made a metaphor of a metaphor
they have chased me down
unlike you.

Rose.

you cut me
with a knife my blood ran
onto your fingers, then to the ground

you left in glee
at the sight of me

i stared at the ground
knowing the need to rise
but never quite finding strength

the blood flowed
mingled with water
diluted
it ran in the shape of a rose

it reminded me of life
diluted
but shaped like a rose.

No Words

There are no words
For anxiety
Fly
Fly

There are no words for apathy
Combined with disparity
Of a broken entity
This broken entity
Cry
Cry

There are no words
For a heart that doesn't beat
No words for the tears that won't fall
The soul is pulled in all directions
To cry for oneself is sympathy, is humanity

There are no words
For this inability to concentrate
on the task at hand
For the sharp pains in my back
For the aching

There are no words

I don't mind doing it alone
Not that I don't want you
But it's hard to let you serve me
If I'm not worthy.

Rough Edges

In this song I hear you sing
There are swallows here and there
As you question the beauty of the rasps
And the runs you try so hard to make
To impress me

In this song I hear you sing
There are rough dips, rough rises
of pitch, of pinecone dust
rough edges of the mountains you create

I can hear your soul
In the highs and the lows
As you make spontaneous poetry

I see the rough edges in the tears that fall
The skin you try to conceal
I see the rough edges in the hunch in your back
In the shadows; in the real

I see the rough edges in the blisters on your feet
That ran till they had to fall
I see the story that you're trying to complete
But the fear overwhelms it all

I see the rough edges in the folds of your praying hands
In the echoes of your mistakes
That play again and again
And like a series of tidal waves
Push you down to the seabed again

I see the rough edges in your smile
The consciousness creeps in
I see you biting your lip
And shying away
from the pain, from the beauty

I see the rough edges in the breaths you take
In the periodic gasps of life
I see the rough edges in the art you make
The brushstrokes must have strife

But somehow,
I see no rough edges in you.

I'm not asking you to look up to me
I've had enough of that
I'm begging you to hold me
To tell me I'm good enough

To tell me I should sleep
To tell me you'll wake me up
To tell me I'm not taking care of myself
To tell me it'll be okay

Not to tell me that this abuse
Is of good use
Not commend this tired half-eyed typing
Begging for words to come
Ugh.

Midnight Revelation

I've been wondering lately and not-so-lately why I cannot seem to enjoy anything. I can be good at things--yes, but I cannot seem to enjoy anything worthwhile. It's always been separate from my confusion as to why I seem to be horrible at relationships. And the answer, I think, is at least partially found in Kantianism. I treat everything, humans and hobbies alike as a means to an end--every holiday, every worthwhile book, every friend serves as a means to an end. But nothing can be enjoyed if it is simply a means. I'm sorry, that's not quite right. Yes, things can be enjoyed as a means to an end--but they will always be unsatisfactory. Take a book for example: I would never enjoy Chronicles of Narnia if I were told that it is a spectacular scholarly book that I MUST enjoy if I ever want to be considered a literature student. I read Narnia because it soothes me and yet it is intellectually enlightening at the same time. It brings me joy -- and more joy than pure entertainment.

So, Kant said we cannot treat PEOPLE as a means to an end because they are rational beings. But I say we cannot treat anything as a means to an end--yes, we can and should do things as stepping stones to what we really want but our ultimate goal cannot be to please people or to feed our pride or loneliness.

Is everyone depressed?

If I, a supposedly calm individual has so much confusion buried within, then what of everyone else? A conversation I had on Sunday was interesting: I asked a fellow classmate if it were possible for anyone to actually be happy. He said yes--lots of people are. But are they though? Is everyone simply depressed and pretending and coping? Maybe the way I cope is isolation, but maybe other people cope by screaming it out loud to everyone, or acting blur, or laughing loudly, or flirting. Is everyone depressed? Or is it like my classmate said--that most people are relatively okay. Because I honestly don't remember the last time I was "okay". It has been years.

So, am I part of that weird segment of the depressed population? Or is everyone?

Use me/ the cliche-est poem ever. IDC

I don't let you in
Cause if I do
You'll stop caring

If I fake timidity
Then maybe
You'll think of me as fragile
Then you'll hold me

Funny story:
People hug me a lot more
when they first get to know me

Then for some reason
I become not worth the hugs
I'm left unhinged
Why.

Maybe next time
I should just pretend to not be me
Then maybe you'll love me

Ugh.

I am obsessively writing
Maybe nothing makes sense
But my hands are moving
And that's something
I should be sleeping

But how can a helpless one not be sleepless

I feel like punishing myself
By staying up the whole night and studying
But I'm too tired for self-abuse
I'll just do verbal abuse tonight
This feels so psychotic
But no one really cares

I'm just me.
Alone
Not huggable.
Good night.

Say Hi.

Poetry is always easier because you get to put the feelings down potently, in a blend of metaphors and reality. It's sharper. But when the feelings are not strong enough, or too strong, then it's time for the prose to be broken out.

The feelings are non-existent
The feelings are my existence.

Okay, no more poetry. So, I seem to be horribly, terribly messed up. I am a ball of tightened wits screaming for attention.

Okay, I'm done resisting the metaphors. It's apparently inherent in my writing.  But back to the wits. I feel so tightened. It's not really pain, it's not like the acute feelings that I used to have. It's tight but it's a blur--it's not clear cut what's wrong. Or maybe it is.

When I try to verbalize it, all I get is a jumble of not-quite-right metaphors and tiredness and hunger and lack thereof.

My feelings used to make me restless, to provoke me to action. Now all that's left is bitterness. I feel like the beauty has been drawn out.

I feel like a monster--an attention-seeking, ugly-looking, workaholic, falsely humble monster.
And honestly, I don't feel like doing anything about it. I've tried to get over it--it doesn't work. I cringe when I see other people getting hugs because despite my hardened, put-together, blur, concrete(*inserts negative connotation) exterior, I want to express my feelings to other human beings. But I also don't want to come across as needy. Sometimes I just mask my real insecurities with false ones and then I just look like I'm dabbling in false humility about things that aren't really bothering me.

I am calling myself names and smiling bitterly. I am swearing off being passive aggressive to others but I treat myself that way constantly. I'm thankful that I'm not sexually attractive or so many guys would have taken advantage of me. I'm just me. Alone. Overly emotional and overly apathetic at the same time.

Say hi to the monster.

Chaos

Black "X" on my hand says I'm underaged
Black "X" on my heart says I'm stained

Rivers
Rivers
Come at me now
I'm looking at the desert
No, I'm not running anymore
I stopped after a 1000 miles
No water

Rivers
Rivers
Come at me now
I've lived a thousand yesterdays
Never caught up to today
I'm gone

Screaming at myself
Obsessively chewing
Lying down knowing
The tired eyes smiling
Back at me

I'm a liability to the population
My viability is my obsession
Rivers
Rivers
Come at me now
I'm dying of trying
Of the wantings and longings
They pull me so hard
The rope stretches, and stretches, and stretches
It breaks.
fire consumes it immediately
ashes.

There are no words.

Slam Poetry Attempt

I am an acute exaggeration of rejection. The thrusting of a soul from the midst of society. I am paralyzed, crippled, killed by this fear. Scream. It's that snicker from that girl in kindergarten, told me I was too fat. Scream. It's me trying to get noticed but get rejected one more time. Scream. It's me dancing but looking too silly to be lovely. Scream. But nothing comes out anymore. It's all gone. My heart is like a wartorn society. Scream. Only breath, no sound, no one hears me. Scream. Only laughs at the awkward girl left behind by a trail of fairy dust. Scream. Sigh. Die.

A Hug.

I dreamt of a hug
 engulfing me
Like the pounding of a drum
 on a sacred night
Like a whisper, like a bellow
Like a trickling stream, like a wild ocean
Like a haptic smile
I dreamt of a hug

But I wake up
And the cold engulfs me again
Hugs me in fact; the painful irony
I pull the covers tight
And close my eyes
I dream of a hug again

A hug is like
 a together sigh
 a gentle collide

A hug is a net
I gladly give in to the trap
I dream, I dreamt, I will dream,
 of a hug.

late night rambles

One of the things I hate the most
is sounding cheesy
But today, today I will risk it.

It seems my life
Is a thousand paces a day
And I cry
And I try
And with every breath
That used to hold inklings of hope
Now they contain breaths of death
of the tired
of the weary

i hate the sight of this laptop
or maybe I don't
I hate that I try
But no one ever tries back
I hate that I smile
But by the time someone else tries to respond
I'm too tired.

It seems all the seeds I've sown
They've decided not to reap
Or maybe they have
But no one cares

Sing

Honestly
It's hard to breathe

Honestly
I'm incomplete

Honestly
When the fire goes down
And I'm needing you still
And I push you away

It's me

I wanna sing about the grass
About the wits we both have
About the jokes that make sense
About the tear in the same spot
on both our jeans
because we sneaked through the same fence

Honestly.

I wanna sing about the walls
That we built around ourselves
and at the very same moment
we looked up and realized
that we'd forgotten to block each other out
And we held our hands together
And we blew a gentle breath
A more than gentle whisper
And the walls came crashing down

I'll always remember you as the one
I forgot to chase out
Before I built my walls around

I wanna sing about the roses
About the flowers in the night
That we thought weren't there
We had no light

But today,
today is our sunrise.

King

I wanna see beauty for beauty
See music for music
To dance for the joy
To dance for the movement

I'm tired of moving for you
Of stopping for you
Of giggling for you

My King is higher
He deserves a sincere dance
:)

Ode to ____

The silky, smooth skin
That somehow coexists
with the sturdy, white body

The rough, sandpapery fingers,
Sketched with every shade of rust.
They entwine my own and move me,
The metacarpals dance.

Lets me tune his heart strings
But they rip if I push too hard
His voice deep echoes
Blends with my sweet mellows
I feel the weight of his song upon me
I bear it on my shoulders gladly
Every slight vibration of his heart moves me,
Pulls me
Pushes me
Hugs me.

And his name
is "Bass Guitar".

facade

I stare at the keys
Waiting.

Beautiful words will catch me
Catch me in their ancient tune.
I stare.
I trust the words to come.

You broke me.

See, when I was younger I was headstrong
Happy and hyper
Wild, not carefree though, I will admit.

I was full of myself
But I was still myself
I was the girl that sported the short hair
That sang and laughed
Secure.

I remember then the years of fear
When I pushed it all away
I didn't care what people would say
And the rejection brewed
Like a silent espresso
It roared,
But I pushed it down.
Fear.
I realized not everybody liked me.

So the mechanism kicked in
The symposium for the world
No I didn't unseal my wounded heart
But instead of pushing it down
With bare, concrete walls
I painted pictures on the walls
Pretty pictures
Just for you.

See the butterflies and the trees
The willows, the darker rose
See the dove and the sparrow
See the owl and the eagle

But no, there was no owl and eagle.
They were too real, too poignant
Pictures too close to who I really was.

So I flashed a smile
And faked a laugh
And begged you to come home
And I played the chick that needed you
I played the girl that quivered
I played the girl that cried
I played the girl that wasn't strong enough
That needed you tonight

If I said you slammed me down and broke me
We both know it would be a lie
If I said you objectified me
I would be a self-pitying facade.

But I didn't want to be alone
So I held on to my pretty pride
With hunched shoulders
I wished you'd break through my blockade.

It was never realistic
But I wished it anyway
I kept the ever-smiling face
Hoping you'd see the tears hidden
In every dimple
In every laugh
In every song
I ever sang
I wished you'd see through my facade

But you seemed to like me just like that
Pretending to not know much
To be the girl that played dumb for laughs
You preferred me to be mush

I don't blame you
It wasn't, no it wasn't pretty inside.

See even the words don't make sense
They flutter from weak to strong
They flutter from wanting you to resisting you

Honestly, I'm not sure
What I really want.
Will you love me anyway?

google searching

The metaphors are old
overused
dry
dead.

ugh
ugh
ugh
ugh
ugh
ugh
ugh

every night i try to see
if the music will come through for me
it does
in spatters
it leaks in
then leaves me to die

ugh
ugh
ugh
ugh
ugh
ugh

i find myself google searching
empty pushing
always laughing
ever suppressing
life is daunting
no more chanting
i am panting
i am panting
i am panting

i long for touch
for songs, for dance
for movies that make me feel again
but the memories of tiny inklings of love
that seeped through the walls
of my bloodstained halls
seem to be all that's left
of the days when my heart beat
see the dead metaphors rise again
the days when my soul screeched
but it lived
it lived
my soul lived

Chanting
Chanting
Chanting

I'm not the only one suffering.

Have you seen the traces of his hands
In mine
Burned in

Have you seen the blood in his veins
Flowing in mine

I don't know who I speak of.

Seven Billion Hungry Souls

I've got these pieces you see.
Of dust, of glass, of moldy crusts.
I've got these wounds you see,
They hurt sometimes.

I'm trying to synthesize two worlds
They both exist
I'm trying not to die

I'm trying to scream
But nothing is coming out

Because what do you do
When your loyalty seems to lie with a monster
who is not really a monster
He is good
But he feels like a monster sometimes

And then I know that I'm the monster
The ghost of the future
That I'm a vague image of reality
I'm not real
I'm a mist of someone real
Someone clearer

And I'm letting them hold me
Cause no one holds me
I'm letting them touch me
Cause no one touches me

We're seven billion hungry souls.

Cellos

Broken baskets
That won't hold the tears
They have holes
They have holes


It's dancing in me
I want to be free


I hear the echoes of a beautiful day
I hear the cellos but they drift away
Screaming in the night sky
Tomorrow is the day we'll fly


You heard the beat of that drum tonight?
You heard the beat of the song?
Screaming in the night sky
Won't let you pass by
O-o-o-o-oooo-oooo

It's a punch
It's a dance
It's straight
It's crooked
It's full
It's empty
It's the heart
of a lonely so---oo-oul

Heart of a lonely soul

Funny melancholy.

It's like music is all that's left
Of the truth, of the longing
Of the living, of the screaming

It's like music is all that's left
Of me trying, of my striving
It's my last breath of sighing
It's my last letter dying

The funny melancholy
Makes the sarcasm in me laugh
Though it's a sad laugh, a dead laugh
A trying.
I've been denying.

All the years that I've tried
All the years that I've died
Leave me stumbling through my life
I'm the failure that's inside.

No this isn't a funny melancholy
It's just my satire leaving me
I'm too tired to properly write.
What is the point of life.

I am fake.
I am a failure.
These things plague me every day.

Do you hear the song?
I'm only one voice of many
That have given up the fight.

I've not given up the fight.

Benih-benih Harapan

Mengingati nada dan ombak Bahasa Malaysia. Mengingati bahasa yang mengahwini diriku kepada negara tanah air. Mengingati kata-kata yang dahulu menjadi akar dan punca tekanan jiwaku. Tapi sekarang menjadi melodi harapan yang membawaku kembali kepada wawasan yang tertanam dalam diriku untuk menjadi agen pembangunan. Ya, negaraku sudah jatuh, sudah kalah, sudah gagal.Kita tidak perlu menafikan bahawa harapan yang dilahirkan semasa zaman kemerdekaan sudah terlepas dari genggaman. Tapi aku masih percaya bahawa benih-benih harapan itu masih ada. Kita boleh menanamnya semula. Ya, hatiku berdebar mendengar nada dan ombak Bahasa Malaysia. Ku lihat generasi yang lemah dan letih tapi ada benih-benih harapan di tangan. Ku masih percaya. Ku pasti ada orang lain yang masih percaya.

Mari kita bina Malaysia.

Tear Bottle

You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?
Ps 56:8 NASB
http://bible.com/100/psa.56.8.NASB

When the tears fall
And they hit the ground
And I see them go to waste

And the salt leaves
And I'm tasteless and free
And bland and willed
And alone.

And as I see them hit the ground
I see Your loving arm go round
And You pick the little tears
And You store them in a bottle

And look at my despair
And You see me cursing You
And You laugh Your merry laugh and say
I see you.

I've kept your tears in a bottle
They never hit the ground
I've been saving the salt
For the wars of tomorrow

And I've harvested the oil
And I've drawn you close to me
And my bosom is full
My fullness and yours

Words

One by one
Come
Come

God come
Singing God songs
It's like the words are all
  that's left
Of the exhilaration

March
I'm trying to make it rise again.

I need it to rise

Blow
Move
Swim
Sing

Laugh
Move
Try

live.

cry
dance
sing
write
touch
feel
move
live.

Darts

I don't really feel like putting
Words on a page, unfocused ball putting
Crying
But the tears don't mean anything
Numb
I am excited over unexciting things
Because I am tired

I am not worth it
or so it feels.
or so it feels
or so it feels.

Typing becomes a joy
Reading becomes a song
I am cold.

Look at the sky
No, it's all city lights now
distractions
sleep.

Type one more time
And pray it'll be okay
But you know it won't
You've tried.

Scream but no one hears you
It isn't that their ears are deaf
It's that you've got no more voice inside you
It's a hollow mess

But there must be more
Than the grimy nothing
Within the pain, something else coming
There must be more.

Every moment is a dart
That flies right at you

Hilang di mata, di hati jangan

Hati berdebar di tempat baru.
Ku bukan lagi di Malaysia.
Peribahasa dari zaman setahun jagung
Masih terngiang-ngiang di telingaku
Hilang di mata, di hati jangan!

Why?

Why would I lay myself down
No, I haven't seen the gold
And I won't lie about my restless heart

Will I give up searching for the treasure?
And be satisfied with costume jewelry
Or will I die for the most wonderful treasure
Will I risk my drops of water
For an eternal rain.
Will I?
I will.
I surrender.

Hungry Eyes// You'll find the light elsewhere

I've seen your hungry eyes,
 the way you smile and wait for me;
 to see the pain inside of you,
 the pain that I feel too.

I've seen your searching eyes
They wander to and fro
They want me to just see,
  to see you
  I see you.

But I won't be the guy
 that looks into your hungry eyes
 and knows you see the hunger in mine
 and start what I could never end
 a deadly fire within our souls

I see your hungry eyes
But you'll find the light elsewhere.

Broken Pieces

I go back to the age-old metaphor

of a thousand broken pieces

I want to dance to the beat of a drum

And I've been chasing draggy beats

That will never satisfy

Come dance,

dance  child

to the beat of His drum.

I am a failure

This echoes in my mind day after day

I draw men to myself

Why not to God?

For I am weak

i want hugs.

the 'i' is small

cause it looks smaller

like it can't control anything

like it is weak

help

Identity.

Do you feel like a plant sometimes
Like you're rooted
Or like you imagine you are

Do you feel like you belong?
Do you feel like you're ingrained
In your culture
In your mold

And then were you uprooted?
And yet some residue was left behind.
And the plants that were by your side
All the while
They were left behind

The ones you used as mirrors
That made you believe you were you
And now you're not so sure anymore

And you wonder what defines you
And you decide
That you'll thrive here
You'll be a plant here
You'll bear fruit here
Because the sun still shines here
Because you can still feel the life in Your veins

Because you are you.

It'll take a while to grow the leaves that fell
The leaves that'll never be yours again.
But you'll grow them
And you'll find new neighbors.
But you'll never use them a mirrors again
Because you are you
And you are His.

Grow up

Like I said
I've forfeited life
By trying to bind myself
By trying to find myself

Like I said

It's time to grow up
To trust You
You'll help me decide
You'll help me choose

I won't back down
Help me

I'm too tired for words

I can't repent for my humanity.

And yet.

I feel I must

How.
How.
How.
Help me.

I don't think I've ruminated this idea well enough yet but I'm gonna have a go at this.

We all find our value in who others think we are, right?
I mean there are those amazing few who are confident in themselves so much so that they really don't care what people think. They just live their lives.

But honestly?
I don't think that's possible without risking hurting people. If what people think doesn't affect you at all, then you risk becoming unfeeling. There's  the other option of setting your beliefs straight but being sensitive to others when it comes to things that are worthy of compromise, like the type  food you share for a meal. In this case, you would stay to your beliefs. But you would shed the unnecessary dividers.

There's also a fourth option. This is one I have been ruminating on.
I feel that as a child of the King, I'm supposed to find my value solely in Him.
Then, why do I find myself longing for other people's approval. Almost everything I say or refrain from saying is done to please someone else, and I try to please someone else because if they are pleased with me, I feel like my value has increased. Come on, I know you feel that way sometimes.

So now I come to the question: Is it ever wrong to perform to get approval To try to prove my value to my peers? If it is wrong, if my value has to depend on God's opinion of me alone, then I definitely am failing.

Because the smallest touch affirms me.
And the smallest touch makes me feel I'm more valuable.

If these small touches I long for are wrong, then I am left depending on God alone for approval. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But I still long for other people to like me.


so here's my concluding question
the last patch of grass in my long ramble in the park of questions:

is it wrong that I want to be liked?
is it wrong, God?
Help me

A week

How could a week destroy me?
The shakable was shaken.
My prayer is the same.
Wound me
I am Yours

Don't let me go
Help me to stay focused on my goal,
my prize, is You.

Help!

I ask for a new hunger? A more lasting hunger? The fire is here. And I've had the shakable shaken. Now all that's left is truth. And truth is weaker than what I thought.

But I can deal with truth.
Help me.
I am weaker than I thought I was.

Sorry for taking up the sin again. The sin of glorifying myself. I am here for Your glory alone. I exist for Your sake. Let nothing change that. May You increase and I decrease.

In all things.
Amen.

Work

Ecclesiastes 5:12
The sleep of a laborer is sweet, whether they eat little or much, but as for the rich, their abundance permits them no sleep.


After hours of laboring(studying), I sit here. Ready for some sweet sleep.

No, this isn't exactly going to be about how hard work helps you sleep well. This is going to be about working, about being your own slave-driver. This is about working because you don't know what else to do. This is about distraction. This is about fatigue-motivated-carelessness, except that this form of carelessness is still semi-productive.

You're tired. 

So you work.

And work.

And you're tired.

And you work.

I need to start living.

And even in the work, the guilt is there. Cause you're not doing enough work.

Work.

Goodnight.

Scared

Sometimes I wonder if everyone is just braver than I am.
I feel isolated.
No, I cannot logically blame anyone else. I can't.
I am scared of people.
Why am I so scared of people?
If you asked me to write a poem,
about the beauty of diversity,
I could.
But I'm still scared.
I'm still scared of people.
Why am I scared?
Scared of people.

There's a lie that's taken root
that I could never be loved.

Why am I scared?
I'm so scared.

How am I going to survive?

I know You're real
I know You love me
I know You are for me

And yet in these things
I've lost all my courage
At the risk of sounding predictable
I'll say that I'm sad.

I've got no words left.
Let the tears produce something.

I'm tired of being alive.
But no, I won't die.

Who Am I//Alone

Ok so that title sounds horribly generic but I'm serious. When I left home, it seems like I lost my identity.

And if I want to be loved, because being loved gives me value, then I have to perform. And if I don't, then I risk not only having no friends but I'm labelled 'selfish' by the one I care about the most: God.

So God here I am. This was supposed to be a blog post. But I'm hurting. I'm sorry that I've failed. Or maybe I'm not as sorry as I should be. I am selfish. I don't want to invest in people's lives. I just want to be alone. But God, somehow I know that's not what You've intended so if You want me to get anywhere in this, You're gonna have to give me supernatural strength because I feel I am on a downward spiral to a well of selfishness, alone. Because I believe in relationships and I have a million ideals. And I love to work, alone. And that won't get me very far.
And I feel, alone.

The homeless person on the street that I just pass by. The friends I avoid.

I want to be alone.
But I can't.

Please

No I don't intend
To write a tearful tale
Of shallow feelings
And lonely sighs

But what else
Can one do
In a state like this
I've got nothing to lose

It's a repetitive tale
I've not forgotten the last time
I've been trying to socialize
Trying, trying.

Something must break
If there's anything left
I've tried.

Hold me,
Hold me tight.

Nights Like These

It's nights like these
That I hover under the covers
Trying to find even interruptions
never worked for me somehow

It's nights like these
That I feel the pulse of dread beat
As I think
Will it always be like this?

It's nights like these
That I wonder
Will it always be a struggle
To keep fighting from the bubble
Oh believe me
I'm fighting from the bubble

It's nights like these that I'm lonely
That I try to chase a different story
Than the one that my Lover
Intends for His beloved

It's nights like these that I cry
That I cry under the covers.

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.
Isaiah 26:3 NIV
http://bible.com/111/isa.26.3.NIV

It's nights like these
That I'm sorry for chasing
wants and my glory.
For trying to tell a different story
I've tried to tell a different story.

One day can't break me
Neither can a thousand
I have a Glue that is stronger
He holds me together.

I've failed today
But that's okay
God give me strength to carry on
I'm tired
Yes, I'm worn

I'm lonely and confused
Yes, still sacred and attuned
Help me move.

Thrust
I've been thrust
What will I stand for
Trust
I need to trust
God give me strength for the battle
And hope for the lost
Love for the healer
And zest

Provers Proven

To all the provers out there
The ones trying and then regretting
The ones spending then discarding
The ones smiling while they're crying

To all the provers out there
Who are trying to be loved
No point beating round the bush
You're trying to be loved

Provers
You've already been proven.

Him

I'm not really in the mood for poetry today. And that's rare. But I just feel like talking.

What are we all doing? What am I doing? Most of the time I keep quiet in (false) humility but today I talked. I talked and now I just cried. Why am I crying? I know that the words I said weren't completely sincere. I know I was a hypocrite. But I'm not in  despair, no. Not like before. I know He still loves me. In my weakness. In this rawness that He craves.

He wounds me but He finally penetrates.
I will be joyfully wounded.

Honestly, I actually sort of believe that I'll truly be happy. God help me.

Look at Him. Don't look at me. Gaze into His fiery eyes. He won't be denied. Let's let Him wound us, let Him touch us. Let Him move us. God, move us.

We are desperate.

Long

I long for the cool mud and clear rivers. I long for the salty air and the way the waves crash on the shore. The waves where I come from are polite but I've heard of larger waves. Waves that are spoilt brats, that steal lives and waves that jealously compete. I've heard of waves that wash over you like they can't hold back their love. Waves that crash. I long for waves that feel.

I long for long walks and for tired but gratified bones. I long for eyes that are strong enough to see beauty. I long to dive.

I long for quiet cottages where the young couple lives with their baby. I long for large looming cities where not everybody is kind. But it's those cities that signify humanity. I long for tired eyes to find strength in His eyes. I long for weak but honest people who are trying to get by. I long for people who  have barely scratched the surface of their destined lives.

And yet, for some reason I sit in a concrete box.

Things will soon change.

How

Honestly

Honestly
Will I find?
A star so bright
In the bleak night sky
So cold

Lonely souls with tired eyes
I'm risking cliche paradigms
But who cares
The night grows old.

It's just You and me
And our 123s
Come dance with me
Maybe we'll find that star tonight.

Maybe the skies will clear
Help me to see again
I'm tired
I'm cold
I need fire.

When will the songs become a reality
I am weak.

That Church Kid.

Hi.
I am a 'church kid'
Lots of people are familiar with that term. I was that kid that heard both 'fire and brimstone' and 'He loves you' and was a little confused. I was the kid that didn't dare question.

I was the kid that thought the only way to follow God was to suppress the very longings that made me human.

I was the kid that didn't talk much because it was prideful to want people to know you, the only things you say should be for God's glory. Yeah, I was the kid that looked down. I was the kid that suffered guilt with the vaguest sensations till I became afraid to feel anything.

Because with everything I did, everything I felt, the fallenness tainted it all.

I was the kid that knew it was wrong to be weak, but didn't know how to be strong.

I was the kid that was told to love.
And so tried to love in hypocrisy.
And so tried to forgive.

And then it got worse.

For every wrong done to me, I was the kid that knew it was wrong to blame the other person. So with every disappointment, with every hurt, I knew it was always my fault.

I was the kid that believed that God hated me.

I was the church kid that sincerely tried to love God but also sincerely believed liking Him was near impossible.

I was the kid that sang the songs, knowing I couldn't live up to it all.

I knew, if I tried to live, I would do it wrong.

And I would sin.

And it tried to live but anxiety gripped me time and time again.

I was the kid that built walls against sin but ended up forfeiting life in the process.

I was the kid that was never a kid.
I was the kid that tried to bear the world's salvation on my shoulders before I ever felt it's joy in me.

I was the kid that tried to be His servant without ever being His child.

And I'm still struggling not to be that 'church kid'.
I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one.

Let Him love you.

Broken

I deserve to be broken

A Thousand Half-Convictions

A thousand half-convictions
Gripped by my tired hands
Every prayer I pray
Makes me tired and afraid

Strings?

Strings that bind
Push, pull
You feel it now
Your very heartstrings resound,
vibrate, cry

Too many strings
They're too strong
They pull, they push
All around.

Which string will lead me on?

The Crushed Map

Sometimes it's like I'm running
Running in the oceans
I started out with a vision
And the storms came
And the waves were aflame
And I lost the vision

When I started out I grasped the map
I never let it go
I pored and stared
And dreamed and dared
Till one day I found ashes in my hands

I grasped so tight
I tried so hard
I died again and again
I lost the things I never should have lost
In an attempt to find my vision true

But the days went by
And my fingers grew tired
And they shriveled up,
Tainted with wounds
And I clung so hard
To the hope I had
But I crushed the map in my hands

I saw it go to pieces
Like sawdust it flew
It was scattered like ashes in
the deep, blue sea.

And I myself was torn in two
And still I ran
And still I run
Till today when I stopped and stared.

I won't bind the sun

Break a stick
And watch it die
Silly analogies.

I want to see a brighter sun
So if the sun were bound by me
I'd drown it in insecurity.

Stomp your foot
And sing out loud
We're a race that tries to be free

But all these broken pieces
Won't make a tapestry
Silk-woven threads are needed
Or we'll never be free

I need to dance
I need to sing
Oh I need to dance
I need to sing

We're all narcissistic
Or maybe it's just me.

The Rant

There's something within
A burning flame
Not flames, mind you.
Only one flame
A consuming fire
I feel the heat

The cold cannot disguise it
The cold is only
the paradox of human wants
and the way we fulfill it

But I want to burn totally
This insulator won't
bring me down.

I guess I just want peace.
I guess I just want peace.
But the unknown is a noise
That threatens to break me
It haunts me

I am called to love the invisible
I am called to dive and to dance
into things I do not know.

I guess,
I guess I just want peace.

I'd rather

I'd rather have full-blown intensity
Than the constant but weak pulse
of anxiety

I'd rather be pounded
Than slowly grazed and
slowly taunted.

I'd rather live single-mindedly
Than to float everywhere.

I'd rather feel pain
Than to stay numb in the nothing.

I'd rather have reality
Than a boring story.

Distract

Scrambling.

I climb an endless tower
I say tower, not a pit
For it promises joy to follow
But I feel anxious despair.

Do not worry for tomorrow
My Saviour will lead me through
Tis hard to get on top of things
And keep from being insane too.

Now this feels a little cheesy
But maybe I won't care
I'm tired of climbing this tower
This tower of despair.

Task after task I seem to have
Me, who relishes the empty times
Where stories distract me
From my fear of reality.

Anchor

How do I keep my eyes fixed
Don't let them wander
I won't be double minded
Like shifting waves that toss

Where is my anchor?
Be my Anchor.
Amen.

Eyes

Breath by Breath
Move by move
Let me be hypnotized
Revitalized.
I will be moved by
one pair of eyes.

Let This Wanderer Be Found

No words today.
Just breaths
Breaths of fear.

I'm insufficient.

What must I give?
What are my idols?
What do I do?

I just want to be free.
That's it,
I just want to be free.

And either way, I feel  bound
Let this wanderer be found.

Wrong Eyes

I'm sorry
For being a disappointment
When all I try to be
Is "decent" in your eyes.
I've failed.

Maybe I'm looking into the wrong eyes.

Weaker

Name after name
I've called myself
Scared to fail
Cause of those who tried
They tried
They tried

I've got my own pain
That I've got to let go
Time after time
Vanities materialized.

I'm weaker than I thought I was
I'm shallower than I thought I was

I just want to feel You tonight
Or maybe I'm not looking
The pain is like a disguise

I'm tied

It's all my fault
Pierce my hardened heart
And make me cry
I'm unwilling to believe that I'm a lost cause.

I'm not a lost cause
I'm not a lost cause tonight

It's probably just pride.

I'm a failure in my own eyes.

Rough Dance

Rough and coarse
I see you move
Up down, up down
One secret or two

I know why you dance
You dance to wash away the pain
You scream inside
But if you let the scream materialize
They'll think you're crazy

And so you dance.
I see the screams in your dance
Dance
Dance away the pain.

Shards

We're like shards, broken pieces
And broken shards pierce
And broken shards make people cry.

Then one broken shard,
Makes another broken shard.
And we're left with a broken world.

I seem to be
a puddle of sorries untold.

Intimacy

Emotions unworded
I long for intimacy
Maybe I shouldn't laugh
At cheesy speeches
Cause my feelings, when described
Seem worthy to be laughed about

I need to long for the invisible
But I am too weak
Must I deny every joy
Before I can see

I feel these longings in me
These longings for intimacy
Only You can truly fill them
But I am too weak

Help me to look to You
Guilt engulfs me
I'm too tired to fight
I'm tired of hypocrisy.

I am Yours forever.
Even if I don't understand,
Help me.

The Middle Days

When you aren't in the depths of mire
Nor on the highest a mountain
Then I am with you.
Then I still kiss you.

I love you all my days
Even in the Middle Days.

The Box

The box.
It smells of excrement
It cries of horrors
Curled up
Scrunched up
A child she never was.

Sure she tried not to sin
But in the process
She ended up doing nothing
Fear
Fear
Fear

She wanted to dance, all her life.
But every time she heard a song
She was paralysed
She didn't want to dance
To the oracles of evil
So she ended up never dancing at all.

It must be wrong
That she never smiled
It must be wrong
That she held the weight of the world

It must be wrong
That whatever she did
She was wrong
It must be wrong
Something is wrong.

She hears the screams
But her own screams are too loud
They drown out the others
Narcissism creeps in
And she just wants to be broken
And held together

She has tried to be okay
She had tried to be kind
But the boldness that was simple
For the multitudes
Never reached her
She who was never a child
Never truly grew up.

She was told to believe
That the box wasn't there
That someone carried her our
Cleaned her up

But it seems like just another box
Darker than before
Because before,
There were puddles of self-pity
To wallow in
But now
No more
And the full blame was on her shoulders.

"I will still gaze.
I will not stop
Cause I know that the box
Is a mist
That there are eyes of fire
Waiting for me."

Threads.

I've got threads pulling me
wound round my hands
The thread of narcissism
The thread of weakness
The thread of accusation

I will be free

Break
Cry
Die

In the old story,
I'm both the Pharisee and sinner
I'm both the accused and the accuser
It's all inside of me.

Vulnerability
It should spring from security
But for me it springs from insecurity
Springs from the need to be free.

Expectations vs Truth// The Character of God

Am I good enough?

You want to dance
But your hands and legs
They're tied
Every move you make
You shudder
At reality
Because reality seems unnatural

But there's that tiny space
That little vein in your fear-filled heart
That tiny hope
That maybe these truths that bind you?
They're lies
And that the darkness that surrounds you
Isn't the only choice

There's an inkling
That there's more.
There's an inkling
that God is actually good
There's an inkling
that what He says about Himself is true.

After the haze
You see the slightest glimpse of clarity.
And that's what keeps you alive.

Hold my hand

Don't know if
These words scream rebellion
I don't mean to
Make you mad at me.

I'm gonna cry.
I am not enough
Insufficiencies.

Do you feel my heart beat
Do you see me crying
Do you see me trying
Do you see me failing.

It's not like I'm not trying

Jump, jump
Don't seem to reach the sky
Don't seem to catch the stars
Will I ever be enough

You tell me to rise
To stop wallowing in yesterday's
I'm trying
But I haven't got enough faith
I think

Catch the stars for me
Thrust me out
I need to feel Your heart
I need to feel You again.

I must dance again
Can't You see that I'm not enough
Can't You just love me as I am
Can't You just hold me and guide me
()

Exhale

Sail out to sea
And see the sunset erupt
Gently and mightily
Majestic, yet never proud.

Sail out to sea
And see the waters ripple
And the waves breathe inconsistently
Like spasms of laughter
Let the waves breathe.

I'm like the sea
Sometimes ripples
Sometimes giant waves
What really defines me?

Stare
Stare at the sea
Try to feel the beauty.

Fail
Fail you will
If you try too hard.

Now exhale
Just exhale the monstrosity.
Be at peace.

There are things you can't control
People you can't please
There are aches unfulfilled
But peace, be at peace.

See the birds
So they fly
Free yet incomplete.

Do they try
To paint their fur
Do they try
To be like lions?

I am weak.
Lord I am weak

There are strings
Very thin
Transparent almost
And they pull
Like ligaments,
Strong and elastic.

I feel bound by
A thousand demands
In a world where
I just want to be free.

I've got to learn a few lessons
From the sea

I'll exhale this monstrosity.

What Does It Mean?

What does it mean
To choose
The ONE above all else

What does it mean to be
Loyal and true
Having dove's eyes to look
Upon the one and only

Does it mean I don't
Smell the sea breeze?
Or does it mean I do
But it means nothing to me?

What does it mean?

Does it mean I don't
Look them in the eye
Or does it mean I do
But they never really know me

Does it mean I look with pride
In condescension on the world
Or does it mean I'm consumed
And reimmortalized.

When I choose to look
Upon the one most Holy
Then I look around
I still see mankind.

What does it mean to choose
What does it mean to look
What does it mean I'll do
With You
Cause I will do it with You.

Eyes

I looked into the sky last night. And as I looked , I saw eyes staring into mine. I didn't realise at first. I was simply staring at the stars. Then I saw her. Her eyes were teal, neither pure blue nor green. They looked like the sea. They danced emotionally.

But I was never good at deciphering eyes.
Eyes are a mystery to me.
Perhaps because I never gaze long enough.

Her eyes stared into mine.
And still I wasn't sure what her soul sang.

But whatever she was singing, she was singing passionately.

Noise and A Wrinkled Heart

The noise is loud
I feel it
It isn't beautiful
It isn't strong

It is amplified weakness
Loud, not deep
The noise presses and pulls
The noise cripples me

Just when I'm trying
To lay hold of the truth
The noise, the arrows
They deny me the smooth

A wrinkled heart
Like newspaper crumpled
A wrinkled heart

Put it in the water
Let it be pulp again
Roll it out and make it smooth
A new heart, no more wrinkles.

I've attempted

I've attempted
To love quietly
In a world of noise

I've attempted
To do silently
What is good
Without offending the world.

I've attempted.
How?

River

Flow
Flow
River of life

Carry the murk and mire
Cleanse me with water and fire
Baptize my inhibitions away
Kill the carnality that leads me astray

Flow
Flow
River of life

If you're looking for me
And I'm not found
Babe, I'm drowned in the river.
I'm burning bright in the Consuming Fire.

P.S. the end sounds a little morbid lol.
Like A hippie song or something.

Plastic Sheets

Plastic sheets reloaded
Onto my bare and healing wounds
Promised love recorded
But yet to feel its zeal

Don't feel like moving forward
But that's what I'll do to rise
Don't feel like loving real things
But lies will not materialize.

Plastic sheets be moulded
Be used to make a cup
For me to drink of my Lover's wine
You have one purpose and no other.

Who

Forward
Forward
Don't stop

Cripple
Cripple
I won't fall

I'm crippled
But my bones will be strong
My flesh will be nourished
I'll drink of true wine.

Pharisee and adulteress
Both at once
I did the sin
Threw the stones
And tried to trick the Lord.

I'm a child
And that's all I'll be
I'll drink of true wine.

Imagined/ Numb

I'm at a plateau
The air is too thin
The air is too thick

I must rise
I must climb
Do not despise
These small beginnings

The pangs inside
Numbed by boring fascination
The wounds that lead me to the doctor
Patched by weak bandages.

I want to die
To these painkillers
That don't satisfy

I'm drinking moonshine
When before me
Is laid out
Wines of the best kind

I've been satisfied
With imagined dances
Imagined songs
Imagined laughs
Imagined kisses
But, imagination won't satisfy.
But imagination won't satisfy.

Numb
That's the only word I see.
I won't numb the hunger
I must have the real thing

Castles in the sand
Sculptured by my weak hands
They fall to the ground
They drown my pangs
The pangs that must be there.

Don't let them die.
The pangs make me human
These lesser things won't satisfy
Let me fly

Quench

I can almost feel
Literal chains and weights
Upon me

I feel abused by You
I feel like You're a monster.
Show me that You're not.

Father of life
Of love, of peace
Father of mine
Looking at me

He won't relent
He won't stop
He's coming to bring me home.

Take me away with you—let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers. We rejoice and delight in you ; we will praise your love more than wine. How right they are to adore you!
Song of Solomon 1:4 NIV
http://bible.com/111/sng.1.4.NIV

Strong arms to carry
Burnished feet to walk
Eyes like fire quench my impassioned heart.
He is my Father, My King.

Tired.

Cry, cry baby

I'm tired
I'm tired of the fight

I'm tired
I'm tired of the idols that don't satisfy

I'm tired
I'm tired of the God who promises to
But doesn't seem to come through

[Maybe it's just my hardened heart]

Call me a hypocrite
Call me a liar
That's what I seem to be

Cry, cry baby
It's okay
Tomorrow will come
And the sun'll shine  again

Cry, cry baby
I'm a cry, cry baby
That tried to be tough
But never quite came through

Cry, cry baby
Help me, God above.

I'm a disappointment to You.
Cry, cry baby
I need a shot of You
Pierce my concrete heart
And let me live for You.

Songs and Screams

Do you see the sun
Kissing the sea
They dance
They dance
I want to dance.

Do you see the wind
And stars and sky
Singing in perfect harmony
They dance
They dance
I want to dance

Do you see lightning strike
Jealously
It consumes for a moment
Then lets thunder, it's docile bride
Claim the attention

Yes, lightning is a man
And thunder is a woman
Lightning is strong and domineering
Claiming its first place spot

And thunder is a weak and insecure one
Echoes of her man
Trying to be louder
To be stronger
To be beautiful
But never quite succeeding.

Do they dance
Or do they fight
Do they scream
Or do they sing?

The trees are children
They long to dance
To play with the wind
They are teens
Waiting to flirt
With gusts of wind
Not knowing
That the strongest, most beautiful
May tear them down
Strength is not always protection.

Do you see the rain
It's the tears of the sky
Crying for a world gone wrong

The waters group
In the skies above
They commune
They try to solve
But every deliberation
Ends with a cry
Too much wisdom
Can make you die.

The sky cries
For it's brothers and kin
The wind, the thunder,
The sea, the trees

The sky cries
It wails
It dances a morbid dance
And with its tears
It nourishes its kin
It's brothers thrive on its sorrows

I must stop
Or I will sound like a pagan
God anoint this
Or let it die.

Sand Clouds Kicked High

Today I realized
That I've been living in denial
I've been holding on
Grasping, gripping
I held so tight

What's invisible is real
What is visible is fake
I wonder why
God made it this way.

Are we a race,
Living in denial?

Nothing makes sense
I'm so tired of life
I have never truly lived
No, I've never truly lived

Self-centred monster
I've been
Tested and tried
I've run away from the fire

No more running
But this intense monotony
Drives me to anxiety

Nothing makes sense
Will it ever?

Longings I was made to feel
Denied fulfillment by my Maker
Or so it feels

Am I the only one
Who is lost?
Who is tired?
Who doesn't know what is going on?

Kick the sand
And watch it rise
It goes back down again
What if my life's experience
Is summarized
In a series of sand clouds kicked high
Only to fall
And mingle with yesterday's tries.

I refuse to go there.

Why is life this way
Why the masks
Why the invisibility
Why the pain?

And I'm well-off
Or so it seems.

People wonder
Why I'm never myself
Why I'm so quiet

I'll tell you why
Nobody will like the real me
Obnoxious and self-absorbed

I'll tell you why
He's denied
Me trying to find
My value
In other things
And He's right.

I'm tired.
And tired people
Don't think of others
And tired people
Want rest
And tired people are tied people.

I'm tied.
And I've heard of ways to be free
And I've tried
And I've pulled
And I've stopped
And I've cried

But in the end,
Honestly,
I'm still tied

And that, my friend
Though I wish it were otherwise,
Can't be denied.

Might as well scream about the
cracked ice
Before summer comes
And it all melts.

I'm tied.
I've cried
Now, what?
Do I continue this cycle
Or do I simply live
Or do what I like?

I'm tired.

Three Ropes

Three ropes
They pull me

One, to love God alone
To deny the need for man
To be fully sufficient in Him

Two, to love God and man
To love them both
But to always look on God
I am His secret.

Three, to love man alone
And I know this is not the one
But I am tempted to throw myself
Into the endless pursuit of approval
With deathly pangs of unfulfilling satisfaction.

Pull, push
Sea of my heart
I want to love
And to be loved
To be accepted and to know.

I am torn
I need approval
I am tired
Of the strife
To be satisfied in God alone
To hug the invisible.
And pledge my allegiance to Him.

And I don't even fully know what that means.

Does that mean
He is the highest floor
Of the building of my life

Or does that mean
He's my only tower
Where He and I dwell alone.

Or do I have it wrong altogether?

All time low #1

Reading Tennyson at a giant family party. 
LOL

I've Learnt to Laugh

Rare occasions
When I peek
Like one foot hanging
off a cliff
Then I retreat

I've learnt to laugh
At my feeble attempts at community
What once would've been
a monologue of melancholy
Has calmed into an easier feat.

I've learnt to laugh
at social anxiety.

"Hello," I say
And in surprise
they turn at stare
at this silent organism
that never used to speak.

It used to hurt that
they didn't usually remember me
After years of distant acquaintance
I'm not the sort that is ingrained
in the mind of the multitude.

Maybe that's okay.

The anonymity has comforted me
When souls that should've known me don't,
It's like I live behind a looking glass
It's safer here, I feel.
Maybe I thrive in the lonely.
And maybe I don't.

But I have to learn
to shed this shell
Laugh I can
But rid myself I must
of this social anxiety.

The net will catch me safely
when I finally step off the cliff.

Tightrope

Walk,walk
Don't fall
Keep your feet on the tried and true
But even that may never do

Walk, walk
Don't fall
or incur the wrath
of the Almighty
That's how I feel

Walk, walk
I finally fell
But I never expected the
safety net.

Arms of the Almighty

Who are You, really?

I've read a thousand
Passages
Where you convict me and
Condemn

But who are You, really?
What are You like, really?

I seem to read contradictions
But You won't compromise Your character
And I'm left scratching my head
Not sure whether to have
A sinking feeling or excitement
It all depends on
Who You are, really.

He Chose Pain

Demands all worship
All allegiance must be His.
I take that as insecurity
The need for affirmation
But what I don't see is His infinity
The fact that He actually is worthy.

His love is supposed to endure forever
But He kills the ones who get in His way
He shouts when they go astray
How then can His love endure forever
But what I don't see is His love pulsating
His emotions coexisting
All-loving, yet He will not sin

When He kills, does he cry
For the lost souls that die?

He wants to be near
But He is Holy
How then can we achieve
this matrimony?
We need the fire
But we melt in the wake.
If we aren't alloyed
With the Holy One.

He knew we would sin
Yet He made us worthy
He let jars of clay
make decisions that would relay
The nature of His glory
And the glory of His story
He let us choose
Knowing how and what He'd lose

He chose a bride
That could choose Him or not
He gave us the power
To move His heart

He chose a bride
That was weak and strong
Weak; in humanity
Strong; in humanity

He chose pain
Over hoarding His glory
He knew we would betray Him.
Only the one who has power to betray
Can ever truly be the one that loves.

The betrayal was a proof
Of the validity of our later choice
For if we chose in the first place
The question may have arisen
Did she ever have a choice?

The betrayal was a proof
Of the risk God took
He gave us the power
To affect His heart.

He entered into another
The all-sufficient one
Chose to marry
He chose to feel pain
He chose to share His glory.

What kind of God is He?
What kind of God are You?

To be loved is to risk betrayal.
He chose pain.

Instant Walls

Accusations
Instant walls that break connection
The river cries
Cause it cannot flow

My soul's heart needs oxygen
But the blockages that come
In arrows of condemnation
Say I don't deserve to breathe.

But sometimes they're legitimate
And that's the problem.

Tempted (Must I?)

Tempted to just die
To fling it all away
Tempted to just cry
To put it all to waste

But where will I hide
I'm running ahead
Will I find Your loving arms
Or a sword poised to stab?

Tempted to just die
To fling it all away
Tempted to just cry
To put it all to waste

Even that hole seems inviting
Compared to this disorientating plateau
I won't cry
I won't hide
Please materialize.

I've seen a glimpse
And I can't get it off my mind
I've seen hope
And I'll see it again.

The mist cleared a little
Then it came back
With threat of rain
I want to cower and hide

Won't You enter my pain?
Won't You render the veil?

Must I run alone?
Must I run with bare feet?
Must I run with my face looking down?
Must I run through the wilderness
without You to carry me?

Kicking and screaming
Putting wild Nebuchadnezzar to shame
I don't want to go there
Save me please.

Am I looking the wrong way?
The darkness tried to engulf me
But my bones aren't willing to die
They've been alive
And they won't settle for anything less.

I was alive and blind
But alive nevertheless
But now I'm being pushed down

He pulls me near to open my eyes
He pulls me near
He cleans my wounds
He shelters me
My Shepherd and my King.

Beat Down (I won't)

Pound by pound
Tonne by tonne
I feel weighed down

Get up for a while
Feel the air caress your skin
Run a few miles
But I still feel beat down

ABC
Every one of my sins

123
Do You hate me?

I won't give up
I won't back down
But I am weak.

Sea

Deep, blue sea
With your waves and breakers
Waves diffract, waves crash
A miracle of white and blue
Green creeps into their harmony
You are a fantasy materialized
You are a soul in hiding.

Push, pull
The constant struggle
You dance so emotionally

The sun hits your surface
And I'm enticed
Though I may die
I want to dive
I've never felt this way before.

You're married to the wind
And You dance together
You laugh at humans that come to gaze

God made you beautiful
He made you a mirror
of the human soul
Dancing forever
In secrets untold.

To want to

If I was proven guilty
If I was hard-hearted
If I was tainted and wounded
Would You still love me?

In my weakness
I know You love me
But in my immaturity
And in my selfishness
And in my callousness
Do You still love me

You knock and I answer
But what will I find in Your eyes
Will they be disgusted
By my self-inflicted bruises
Or will they show mercy
To this undeserving one.

Do you hold me kicking and screaming
Or are we at peace?
Do you kiss me grudgingly
Or with gentle ease?

I know that You love me
But what does that really mean?
Do You pat my head responsibly
Or do You draw me in and engulf me?

It's one thing to do
It's another to want to do

Are You responsible for me
Or are You jealous for me?

Human Emotion

Human emotion
A complication of corruption
Mingled with noble intention
And a side of misplaced expectation.

I won't pretend to understand
These emotions strand by strand
All I can see is a heap
of chaotic monotony.

Make Me A Beautiful Tapestry

The threads of my life are entangled
Each entwined in disarray
I need You to make it Your masterpiece
A beautiful tapestry of unbeautiful threads.

Each thread a different colour
Each note a different emotion
Make me a tapestry
Make Yourself a gift.

Strand by strand
thread by thread
Pull me apart and kill me
Then weave me back
And stitch me up
And make me a beautiful tapestry.

Strand by strand
Thread by thread
Cut me open and fix me.
Then weave me back
And stitch me up
And make me a beautiful tapestry.

Free Fall

The worst isn't rock bottom,
It's when you're hanging over it
It's easier to fall
Than to be scared to.

I'm waiting for the free fall
Cause Your loving arms will catch me

And then I'll get back up again.

It was never their role
To let me fall
But it's time now
For the free fall.

But it's got to be into Your arms
And then I'll be strong again.

Allegiance and Colour

I'll paint my feet with colours
And slide across the canvas
I can feel the colours rising
From the gray inside my soul.

As I slide I see the pictures arise
From the white canvas I'm eliminating
I won't live a life of gray or white
I'll live a life of colour and dreams.

Throw down the pain
Pick up the joy
Push away the uncertainties
Today's the day for allegiance
Let allegiance rise to the King.

Ashes and Beauty

Tempted to wallow
In the ashes of yesterday
Tempted to stay
In the dust of disappointments.

But I know for sure
The ashes are a cheap replica
For the beauty I've never truly seen
For the jewels I've been searching for

I know
When I see the eyes of fire
That every weak passion
Will die in the wake
Of tomorrow's incomparable hopes
That last through eternity.

Than Give Up On Me (I'm ready)

These wounds of mine are healing
As the blood stops flowing
As I see Your face looking on mine

The sorries are innumerable
It's been ten thousand times
I've tried to get out of this morbid dance
I've tried to let the anxious chains flee

I've seen Your face
At least a little
Behind the mist
But I've seen Your face

But You see the fears
And You see the pain
I've shed enough tears
For this chain I can't explain.

Take me over
Bring me down
Make me one with You

Cause I'm ready for the oceans
I'm ready for the forests
I'm ready to be free
Yes I'm ready to be free

This morbid dance must end
These anxious chains be broken
I'll just let You carry me.

These scars of mine are healing
I'll let You cleanse me
You cover me with a shield
And You go before me with a sword.

I'll see beauty in the brokenness
I'll see beauty in belonging
I'll see beauty in the scars
In the scars that You're healing

The scars are symbols of my shackles
That You've broken and dissolved
The scars are  symbol of a God
Who would rather die
Than give up on me.

Broken Bride Unites

We're waiting for the day
When the broken bride unites

Where innumerable songs are sung
And many languages flow into one
And many hearts are as one
When the broken bride unites.

Yes, her feet have run to the east
And her eyes look to the west
And her hands reach for the north
And her ears hearken
to the sound of the south.

Where the wounds of centuries are healed
As the bride takes a bath
In the blood of her jealous groom
Who would rather die
than find another bride.

When the broken bride unites.

The groom has a longing deep within
To be united to his broken bride
But the bride loves life in separation
She forgets the touch of her groom
And the groom still sings
And the groom still waits
And the groom screams
And the groom groans
And the bride forgets
And the bride wallows in the ashes
of cheap yesterdays.

Let the broken bride unite.

When I

When I think of my tired feet
Then let me think of my Lover's
Nail-pierced at the cross
Burnished and walking the streets of heaven

When I'm afraid to open my eyes
Then let me think of my Lover's
Burning and searching
Passionate and gripping

When I cry for you
Then let my tears fall as incense
Into the bowl of prayers of the saints
In God's very throne room.

Shield

My bare skin used to be exposed
To arrows and spears
That pierced me
That wounded me

You give me a shield
That walls me in
Like fire
Like a most vehement flame.

The arrows stop piercing
And my wounds begin to heal
And my heart begins to trust
Cause I know the arrows won't pierce me again.

But here and there
In moments of despair
The arrows pierce
And the pain returns
In waves
It churns

Audience of one

To be holy
To be sanctified
In your eyes

Blaze
Burn
Shine
Your eyes search mine

Suffer
Die
Resurrect the dead

We will believe again.

Deeper
Sanctified
Audience of one
Amen.

Sorry

I can see it in your eyes
That once shone bright
They've lost faith in me
They've seen through the glass

I'm sorry

I'm sorry for not being me
At least the me you thought I'd be
Your expectations I dashed

The raw flesh you see
And the broken pieces
Of a hollow vessel
That didn't get transformed

But I'm a work in progress
He's not done

Never Return

Let the ropes disentangle
Let this song arise
The stench of a morbid soul
Be released and never return

Let the ashes die
Let wisdom rise
The ring of anxious cymbals
Be released and never return

Cause dry bones crumble
And dry bones die
But I won't crumble
And I won't die

Let calloused hearts stumble
Let hardened hearts die
Let hearts of flesh spring up
Let beauty materialize.

Of all ages

Push back
Step forward
Chains be loosed
No hesitation

Tomorrow we fight
The battle of the ages
Tomorrow we win
We won't die

We'll dance the dance of the ages
We'll sing the song of the ages
We'll sink and never again rise
But we will never die.

We'll dine with the Ancient of Days
We'll glide on streets of gold
We'll drink from the cup of all ages
Where the present of every age
Meets our ever-present eternity.

We'll see the  'so much more's
We'll see fantasies manifest
We'll live in our highest hopes
As we live in no age and all ages.

The Mud Dance in Chains

Ooh
Slip
No
Yes

I mustn't slip into the mud
Again and again
I prance
I dance

I mustn't slip into the mud
But again and again
Can't prance
Can't dance

To dance in chains
To dance near mud
Into the mud I must go
Unless I prance and dance

Is that how it will always be?

I've heard of drier, greener lands
I've heard of lighter, freer feet

When You See Me

When you see me;
Do you see pain?
Do you see love?
Do you see hate?

I'd like to think,
I'm a mingling of these;
Shadows and lights,
Of a soul that speaks your language.

When you see me,
Do you think I have pride?
Do you think I'm stagnant?
Nonchalant?
Neutral?

When you see me;
Do you see the laughs inside?
Do you see the cries within?
Do you see the dead and alive?

Should I even care what you think
when you see me?

Feet in ocean~Feast in the ocean

Yes, yes
Today's the day
I finally put my feet in
the ocean.

I've been trying
I've been searching
I've been falling
I've been failing.

And as I rise
I long to fall
Into grace and love
But from who?

Cause it's from You alone
I must find my prize
Find my joy and my delight

Eyes like fire
Gaze into mine
Cause I'm so tired of
being denied
acceptance.

Feet in the ocean
We'll have a feast in the ocean.

Where feelings mingle

On one hand
It's a date

On one hand
I'll never forget

On one hand
I broke the chains

On one hand
I smiled again.

But the other hand sighs
And craves affections
And craves approval
And craves love

On one hand
My soul said yes

But on the other hand
I cried

Let's make it both hands.

The Truth

It's mostly a mist where I live. The clouds are almost personified.They draw me in so deep that I forget reality. They pretend to be what I long for.

The other day I saw a cloud, shaped like a man. I saw the curvature of his body and I got drawn in. My imagination filled the white unknown with colours. His features seemed to pan out all on their own. His eyes were beautiful. His nose was the nose of the one I love. His hands too.He beckoned. I almost went to his call. But I realized he was just a cloud, mist, dream.

The other day I saw a cloud, shaped like a lady. She was stately and beautiful. She smiled. She showed me her unblemished features and incomparable beauty. She called me and I almost followed her call but stopped with one foot in the air ready to walk. For she was just a cloud, mist, dream.

Where I live I can't seem to see the truth. The clouds and dreams and mists, they draw me in.

They promise to satisfy.
They say they won't leave me dead and broken.
I don't believe them.
And yet sometimes, I do.

The role of a cloud is simply to be a cloud.