facade

I stare at the keys
Waiting.

Beautiful words will catch me
Catch me in their ancient tune.
I stare.
I trust the words to come.

You broke me.

See, when I was younger I was headstrong
Happy and hyper
Wild, not carefree though, I will admit.

I was full of myself
But I was still myself
I was the girl that sported the short hair
That sang and laughed
Secure.

I remember then the years of fear
When I pushed it all away
I didn't care what people would say
And the rejection brewed
Like a silent espresso
It roared,
But I pushed it down.
Fear.
I realized not everybody liked me.

So the mechanism kicked in
The symposium for the world
No I didn't unseal my wounded heart
But instead of pushing it down
With bare, concrete walls
I painted pictures on the walls
Pretty pictures
Just for you.

See the butterflies and the trees
The willows, the darker rose
See the dove and the sparrow
See the owl and the eagle

But no, there was no owl and eagle.
They were too real, too poignant
Pictures too close to who I really was.

So I flashed a smile
And faked a laugh
And begged you to come home
And I played the chick that needed you
I played the girl that quivered
I played the girl that cried
I played the girl that wasn't strong enough
That needed you tonight

If I said you slammed me down and broke me
We both know it would be a lie
If I said you objectified me
I would be a self-pitying facade.

But I didn't want to be alone
So I held on to my pretty pride
With hunched shoulders
I wished you'd break through my blockade.

It was never realistic
But I wished it anyway
I kept the ever-smiling face
Hoping you'd see the tears hidden
In every dimple
In every laugh
In every song
I ever sang
I wished you'd see through my facade

But you seemed to like me just like that
Pretending to not know much
To be the girl that played dumb for laughs
You preferred me to be mush

I don't blame you
It wasn't, no it wasn't pretty inside.

See even the words don't make sense
They flutter from weak to strong
They flutter from wanting you to resisting you

Honestly, I'm not sure
What I really want.
Will you love me anyway?