That Church Kid.

Hi.
I am a 'church kid'
Lots of people are familiar with that term. I was that kid that heard both 'fire and brimstone' and 'He loves you' and was a little confused. I was the kid that didn't dare question.

I was the kid that thought the only way to follow God was to suppress the very longings that made me human.

I was the kid that didn't talk much because it was prideful to want people to know you, the only things you say should be for God's glory. Yeah, I was the kid that looked down. I was the kid that suffered guilt with the vaguest sensations till I became afraid to feel anything.

Because with everything I did, everything I felt, the fallenness tainted it all.

I was the kid that knew it was wrong to be weak, but didn't know how to be strong.

I was the kid that was told to love.
And so tried to love in hypocrisy.
And so tried to forgive.

And then it got worse.

For every wrong done to me, I was the kid that knew it was wrong to blame the other person. So with every disappointment, with every hurt, I knew it was always my fault.

I was the kid that believed that God hated me.

I was the church kid that sincerely tried to love God but also sincerely believed liking Him was near impossible.

I was the kid that sang the songs, knowing I couldn't live up to it all.

I knew, if I tried to live, I would do it wrong.

And I would sin.

And it tried to live but anxiety gripped me time and time again.

I was the kid that built walls against sin but ended up forfeiting life in the process.

I was the kid that was never a kid.
I was the kid that tried to bear the world's salvation on my shoulders before I ever felt it's joy in me.

I was the kid that tried to be His servant without ever being His child.

And I'm still struggling not to be that 'church kid'.
I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one.

Let Him love you.