Wrong Eyes

I'm sorry
For being a disappointment
When all I try to be
Is "decent" in your eyes.
I've failed.

Maybe I'm looking into the wrong eyes.

Weaker

Name after name
I've called myself
Scared to fail
Cause of those who tried
They tried
They tried

I've got my own pain
That I've got to let go
Time after time
Vanities materialized.

I'm weaker than I thought I was
I'm shallower than I thought I was

I just want to feel You tonight
Or maybe I'm not looking
The pain is like a disguise

I'm tied

It's all my fault
Pierce my hardened heart
And make me cry
I'm unwilling to believe that I'm a lost cause.

I'm not a lost cause
I'm not a lost cause tonight

It's probably just pride.

I'm a failure in my own eyes.

Rough Dance

Rough and coarse
I see you move
Up down, up down
One secret or two

I know why you dance
You dance to wash away the pain
You scream inside
But if you let the scream materialize
They'll think you're crazy

And so you dance.
I see the screams in your dance
Dance
Dance away the pain.

Shards

We're like shards, broken pieces
And broken shards pierce
And broken shards make people cry.

Then one broken shard,
Makes another broken shard.
And we're left with a broken world.

I seem to be
a puddle of sorries untold.

Intimacy

Emotions unworded
I long for intimacy
Maybe I shouldn't laugh
At cheesy speeches
Cause my feelings, when described
Seem worthy to be laughed about

I need to long for the invisible
But I am too weak
Must I deny every joy
Before I can see

I feel these longings in me
These longings for intimacy
Only You can truly fill them
But I am too weak

Help me to look to You
Guilt engulfs me
I'm too tired to fight
I'm tired of hypocrisy.

I am Yours forever.
Even if I don't understand,
Help me.

The Middle Days

When you aren't in the depths of mire
Nor on the highest a mountain
Then I am with you.
Then I still kiss you.

I love you all my days
Even in the Middle Days.

The Box

The box.
It smells of excrement
It cries of horrors
Curled up
Scrunched up
A child she never was.

Sure she tried not to sin
But in the process
She ended up doing nothing
Fear
Fear
Fear

She wanted to dance, all her life.
But every time she heard a song
She was paralysed
She didn't want to dance
To the oracles of evil
So she ended up never dancing at all.

It must be wrong
That she never smiled
It must be wrong
That she held the weight of the world

It must be wrong
That whatever she did
She was wrong
It must be wrong
Something is wrong.

She hears the screams
But her own screams are too loud
They drown out the others
Narcissism creeps in
And she just wants to be broken
And held together

She has tried to be okay
She had tried to be kind
But the boldness that was simple
For the multitudes
Never reached her
She who was never a child
Never truly grew up.

She was told to believe
That the box wasn't there
That someone carried her our
Cleaned her up

But it seems like just another box
Darker than before
Because before,
There were puddles of self-pity
To wallow in
But now
No more
And the full blame was on her shoulders.

"I will still gaze.
I will not stop
Cause I know that the box
Is a mist
That there are eyes of fire
Waiting for me."

Threads.

I've got threads pulling me
wound round my hands
The thread of narcissism
The thread of weakness
The thread of accusation

I will be free

Break
Cry
Die

In the old story,
I'm both the Pharisee and sinner
I'm both the accused and the accuser
It's all inside of me.

Vulnerability
It should spring from security
But for me it springs from insecurity
Springs from the need to be free.

Expectations vs Truth// The Character of God

Am I good enough?

You want to dance
But your hands and legs
They're tied
Every move you make
You shudder
At reality
Because reality seems unnatural

But there's that tiny space
That little vein in your fear-filled heart
That tiny hope
That maybe these truths that bind you?
They're lies
And that the darkness that surrounds you
Isn't the only choice

There's an inkling
That there's more.
There's an inkling
that God is actually good
There's an inkling
that what He says about Himself is true.

After the haze
You see the slightest glimpse of clarity.
And that's what keeps you alive.

Hold my hand

Don't know if
These words scream rebellion
I don't mean to
Make you mad at me.

I'm gonna cry.
I am not enough
Insufficiencies.

Do you feel my heart beat
Do you see me crying
Do you see me trying
Do you see me failing.

It's not like I'm not trying

Jump, jump
Don't seem to reach the sky
Don't seem to catch the stars
Will I ever be enough

You tell me to rise
To stop wallowing in yesterday's
I'm trying
But I haven't got enough faith
I think

Catch the stars for me
Thrust me out
I need to feel Your heart
I need to feel You again.

I must dance again
Can't You see that I'm not enough
Can't You just love me as I am
Can't You just hold me and guide me
()

Exhale

Sail out to sea
And see the sunset erupt
Gently and mightily
Majestic, yet never proud.

Sail out to sea
And see the waters ripple
And the waves breathe inconsistently
Like spasms of laughter
Let the waves breathe.

I'm like the sea
Sometimes ripples
Sometimes giant waves
What really defines me?

Stare
Stare at the sea
Try to feel the beauty.

Fail
Fail you will
If you try too hard.

Now exhale
Just exhale the monstrosity.
Be at peace.

There are things you can't control
People you can't please
There are aches unfulfilled
But peace, be at peace.

See the birds
So they fly
Free yet incomplete.

Do they try
To paint their fur
Do they try
To be like lions?

I am weak.
Lord I am weak

There are strings
Very thin
Transparent almost
And they pull
Like ligaments,
Strong and elastic.

I feel bound by
A thousand demands
In a world where
I just want to be free.

I've got to learn a few lessons
From the sea

I'll exhale this monstrosity.

What Does It Mean?

What does it mean
To choose
The ONE above all else

What does it mean to be
Loyal and true
Having dove's eyes to look
Upon the one and only

Does it mean I don't
Smell the sea breeze?
Or does it mean I do
But it means nothing to me?

What does it mean?

Does it mean I don't
Look them in the eye
Or does it mean I do
But they never really know me

Does it mean I look with pride
In condescension on the world
Or does it mean I'm consumed
And reimmortalized.

When I choose to look
Upon the one most Holy
Then I look around
I still see mankind.

What does it mean to choose
What does it mean to look
What does it mean I'll do
With You
Cause I will do it with You.

Eyes

I looked into the sky last night. And as I looked , I saw eyes staring into mine. I didn't realise at first. I was simply staring at the stars. Then I saw her. Her eyes were teal, neither pure blue nor green. They looked like the sea. They danced emotionally.

But I was never good at deciphering eyes.
Eyes are a mystery to me.
Perhaps because I never gaze long enough.

Her eyes stared into mine.
And still I wasn't sure what her soul sang.

But whatever she was singing, she was singing passionately.

Noise and A Wrinkled Heart

The noise is loud
I feel it
It isn't beautiful
It isn't strong

It is amplified weakness
Loud, not deep
The noise presses and pulls
The noise cripples me

Just when I'm trying
To lay hold of the truth
The noise, the arrows
They deny me the smooth

A wrinkled heart
Like newspaper crumpled
A wrinkled heart

Put it in the water
Let it be pulp again
Roll it out and make it smooth
A new heart, no more wrinkles.

I've attempted

I've attempted
To love quietly
In a world of noise

I've attempted
To do silently
What is good
Without offending the world.

I've attempted.
How?

River

Flow
Flow
River of life

Carry the murk and mire
Cleanse me with water and fire
Baptize my inhibitions away
Kill the carnality that leads me astray

Flow
Flow
River of life

If you're looking for me
And I'm not found
Babe, I'm drowned in the river.
I'm burning bright in the Consuming Fire.

P.S. the end sounds a little morbid lol.
Like A hippie song or something.

Plastic Sheets

Plastic sheets reloaded
Onto my bare and healing wounds
Promised love recorded
But yet to feel its zeal

Don't feel like moving forward
But that's what I'll do to rise
Don't feel like loving real things
But lies will not materialize.

Plastic sheets be moulded
Be used to make a cup
For me to drink of my Lover's wine
You have one purpose and no other.

Who

Forward
Forward
Don't stop

Cripple
Cripple
I won't fall

I'm crippled
But my bones will be strong
My flesh will be nourished
I'll drink of true wine.

Pharisee and adulteress
Both at once
I did the sin
Threw the stones
And tried to trick the Lord.

I'm a child
And that's all I'll be
I'll drink of true wine.

Imagined/ Numb

I'm at a plateau
The air is too thin
The air is too thick

I must rise
I must climb
Do not despise
These small beginnings

The pangs inside
Numbed by boring fascination
The wounds that lead me to the doctor
Patched by weak bandages.

I want to die
To these painkillers
That don't satisfy

I'm drinking moonshine
When before me
Is laid out
Wines of the best kind

I've been satisfied
With imagined dances
Imagined songs
Imagined laughs
Imagined kisses
But, imagination won't satisfy.
But imagination won't satisfy.

Numb
That's the only word I see.
I won't numb the hunger
I must have the real thing

Castles in the sand
Sculptured by my weak hands
They fall to the ground
They drown my pangs
The pangs that must be there.

Don't let them die.
The pangs make me human
These lesser things won't satisfy
Let me fly

Quench

I can almost feel
Literal chains and weights
Upon me

I feel abused by You
I feel like You're a monster.
Show me that You're not.

Father of life
Of love, of peace
Father of mine
Looking at me

He won't relent
He won't stop
He's coming to bring me home.

Take me away with you—let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers. We rejoice and delight in you ; we will praise your love more than wine. How right they are to adore you!
Song of Solomon 1:4 NIV
http://bible.com/111/sng.1.4.NIV

Strong arms to carry
Burnished feet to walk
Eyes like fire quench my impassioned heart.
He is my Father, My King.

Tired.

Cry, cry baby

I'm tired
I'm tired of the fight

I'm tired
I'm tired of the idols that don't satisfy

I'm tired
I'm tired of the God who promises to
But doesn't seem to come through

[Maybe it's just my hardened heart]

Call me a hypocrite
Call me a liar
That's what I seem to be

Cry, cry baby
It's okay
Tomorrow will come
And the sun'll shine  again

Cry, cry baby
I'm a cry, cry baby
That tried to be tough
But never quite came through

Cry, cry baby
Help me, God above.

I'm a disappointment to You.
Cry, cry baby
I need a shot of You
Pierce my concrete heart
And let me live for You.

Songs and Screams

Do you see the sun
Kissing the sea
They dance
They dance
I want to dance.

Do you see the wind
And stars and sky
Singing in perfect harmony
They dance
They dance
I want to dance

Do you see lightning strike
Jealously
It consumes for a moment
Then lets thunder, it's docile bride
Claim the attention

Yes, lightning is a man
And thunder is a woman
Lightning is strong and domineering
Claiming its first place spot

And thunder is a weak and insecure one
Echoes of her man
Trying to be louder
To be stronger
To be beautiful
But never quite succeeding.

Do they dance
Or do they fight
Do they scream
Or do they sing?

The trees are children
They long to dance
To play with the wind
They are teens
Waiting to flirt
With gusts of wind
Not knowing
That the strongest, most beautiful
May tear them down
Strength is not always protection.

Do you see the rain
It's the tears of the sky
Crying for a world gone wrong

The waters group
In the skies above
They commune
They try to solve
But every deliberation
Ends with a cry
Too much wisdom
Can make you die.

The sky cries
For it's brothers and kin
The wind, the thunder,
The sea, the trees

The sky cries
It wails
It dances a morbid dance
And with its tears
It nourishes its kin
It's brothers thrive on its sorrows

I must stop
Or I will sound like a pagan
God anoint this
Or let it die.

Sand Clouds Kicked High

Today I realized
That I've been living in denial
I've been holding on
Grasping, gripping
I held so tight

What's invisible is real
What is visible is fake
I wonder why
God made it this way.

Are we a race,
Living in denial?

Nothing makes sense
I'm so tired of life
I have never truly lived
No, I've never truly lived

Self-centred monster
I've been
Tested and tried
I've run away from the fire

No more running
But this intense monotony
Drives me to anxiety

Nothing makes sense
Will it ever?

Longings I was made to feel
Denied fulfillment by my Maker
Or so it feels

Am I the only one
Who is lost?
Who is tired?
Who doesn't know what is going on?

Kick the sand
And watch it rise
It goes back down again
What if my life's experience
Is summarized
In a series of sand clouds kicked high
Only to fall
And mingle with yesterday's tries.

I refuse to go there.

Why is life this way
Why the masks
Why the invisibility
Why the pain?

And I'm well-off
Or so it seems.

People wonder
Why I'm never myself
Why I'm so quiet

I'll tell you why
Nobody will like the real me
Obnoxious and self-absorbed

I'll tell you why
He's denied
Me trying to find
My value
In other things
And He's right.

I'm tired.
And tired people
Don't think of others
And tired people
Want rest
And tired people are tied people.

I'm tied.
And I've heard of ways to be free
And I've tried
And I've pulled
And I've stopped
And I've cried

But in the end,
Honestly,
I'm still tied

And that, my friend
Though I wish it were otherwise,
Can't be denied.

Might as well scream about the
cracked ice
Before summer comes
And it all melts.

I'm tied.
I've cried
Now, what?
Do I continue this cycle
Or do I simply live
Or do what I like?

I'm tired.

Three Ropes

Three ropes
They pull me

One, to love God alone
To deny the need for man
To be fully sufficient in Him

Two, to love God and man
To love them both
But to always look on God
I am His secret.

Three, to love man alone
And I know this is not the one
But I am tempted to throw myself
Into the endless pursuit of approval
With deathly pangs of unfulfilling satisfaction.

Pull, push
Sea of my heart
I want to love
And to be loved
To be accepted and to know.

I am torn
I need approval
I am tired
Of the strife
To be satisfied in God alone
To hug the invisible.
And pledge my allegiance to Him.

And I don't even fully know what that means.

Does that mean
He is the highest floor
Of the building of my life

Or does that mean
He's my only tower
Where He and I dwell alone.

Or do I have it wrong altogether?

All time low #1

Reading Tennyson at a giant family party. 
LOL

I've Learnt to Laugh

Rare occasions
When I peek
Like one foot hanging
off a cliff
Then I retreat

I've learnt to laugh
At my feeble attempts at community
What once would've been
a monologue of melancholy
Has calmed into an easier feat.

I've learnt to laugh
at social anxiety.

"Hello," I say
And in surprise
they turn at stare
at this silent organism
that never used to speak.

It used to hurt that
they didn't usually remember me
After years of distant acquaintance
I'm not the sort that is ingrained
in the mind of the multitude.

Maybe that's okay.

The anonymity has comforted me
When souls that should've known me don't,
It's like I live behind a looking glass
It's safer here, I feel.
Maybe I thrive in the lonely.
And maybe I don't.

But I have to learn
to shed this shell
Laugh I can
But rid myself I must
of this social anxiety.

The net will catch me safely
when I finally step off the cliff.

Tightrope

Walk,walk
Don't fall
Keep your feet on the tried and true
But even that may never do

Walk, walk
Don't fall
or incur the wrath
of the Almighty
That's how I feel

Walk, walk
I finally fell
But I never expected the
safety net.

Arms of the Almighty

Who are You, really?

I've read a thousand
Passages
Where you convict me and
Condemn

But who are You, really?
What are You like, really?

I seem to read contradictions
But You won't compromise Your character
And I'm left scratching my head
Not sure whether to have
A sinking feeling or excitement
It all depends on
Who You are, really.

He Chose Pain

Demands all worship
All allegiance must be His.
I take that as insecurity
The need for affirmation
But what I don't see is His infinity
The fact that He actually is worthy.

His love is supposed to endure forever
But He kills the ones who get in His way
He shouts when they go astray
How then can His love endure forever
But what I don't see is His love pulsating
His emotions coexisting
All-loving, yet He will not sin

When He kills, does he cry
For the lost souls that die?

He wants to be near
But He is Holy
How then can we achieve
this matrimony?
We need the fire
But we melt in the wake.
If we aren't alloyed
With the Holy One.

He knew we would sin
Yet He made us worthy
He let jars of clay
make decisions that would relay
The nature of His glory
And the glory of His story
He let us choose
Knowing how and what He'd lose

He chose a bride
That could choose Him or not
He gave us the power
To move His heart

He chose a bride
That was weak and strong
Weak; in humanity
Strong; in humanity

He chose pain
Over hoarding His glory
He knew we would betray Him.
Only the one who has power to betray
Can ever truly be the one that loves.

The betrayal was a proof
Of the validity of our later choice
For if we chose in the first place
The question may have arisen
Did she ever have a choice?

The betrayal was a proof
Of the risk God took
He gave us the power
To affect His heart.

He entered into another
The all-sufficient one
Chose to marry
He chose to feel pain
He chose to share His glory.

What kind of God is He?
What kind of God are You?

To be loved is to risk betrayal.
He chose pain.

Instant Walls

Accusations
Instant walls that break connection
The river cries
Cause it cannot flow

My soul's heart needs oxygen
But the blockages that come
In arrows of condemnation
Say I don't deserve to breathe.

But sometimes they're legitimate
And that's the problem.