I Discovered Chai Today

Chai Tea.

If you translate that word for word, it becomes "tea tea". But in Western settings, when people say "chai tea" they refer to "masala tea". Masala tea, originating in India, is now widely popularized as one of those hip drinks you drink in a cafe in San Francisco while contemplating your next "hella cool" startup idea with your open-minded friends dressed in leather jackets.

So, back to why I am writing this article. Being an Indian by ethnicity, masala tea is not an uncommon drink to me. But I've never liked it. Tea was fine enough; why add some weird spice that belongs in dosa to tea? That is a stance I took ever since I first drank masala tea at some family gathering or another.

And then a strange thing happened today.

I went to one of those hip, tech cafe places that sprout like mushrooms in San Francisco. The place was called "Chai Bar." And then I ordered chai tea. I knew it was masala tea but I have a weird tendency to order drinks I know I am not going to like. But, boy, am I glad I did it today.

I expected to tolerate  drink, get some productive work done and then head back to the residence hall.  But instead, when I took a sip, I found myself liking this "chai tea." If you do not get why I am writing this story yet, then let me spell it out for you. I am an Indian who never liked masala tea in its true form. Then I come to the US and I like chai?

The world is truly a strange place.

I have a newfound respect for evolved, Americanized, fusion food.

Religion and Pseudoscience

I stopped taking my asthma medication for one week when I was in high school. No, I was not a stupid kid who was trying to get my health into trouble. I was a fundamental, evangelical Christian who believed in faith healing. There were preachers who came to our church and preached that taking medication was preventing our healing.

I’d heard stories about Christians who would stop taking medication-- believing God would heal-- then dying. And here I was, trying to do this. I couldn’t stand the cognitive dissonance of believing in healing but taking medication at the same time.

All I ended up with was heavy breathing and asthma symptoms.

I apologize if this introduction makes it sound like I am going to write an article bashing Christianity, bashing people who are ignorant enough to believe in faith healing and teach it to their kids. I am definitely not doing that. And this may surprise you, but I still do believe in faith healing.

What I do want to write about is the attitude of denial that many Christians feel compelled to live in. When science or society diverges from our doctrines and theology, we feel compelled to simply ignore the evidence instead of carefully examining it. Jesus never told us to have confirmation bias. In fact, His word says:

For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear (2 Timothy 4:3). 

It sounds to me like He was warning AGAINST confirmation bias. We must consider the evidence, not simply make it suit what we already believe. So here is a list of some things that I have proclaimed belief in for years because of pressure to conform to the version of Christianity that I was brought up in:

1) Evolution is not true because God created the world. To believe in evolution is to deny God.
2) God heals so you do not need medication.
3) Gay marriage is wrong and people who do so are choosing to sin.

That is by no means a comprehensive list but those are three things I have wrestled with a lot. Before you dear fundamentalists shake your heads at what nonsense and heresy I am proclaiming, I beseech you to hear me out. I am by no means saying that any of these three things are not true. I am only saying that the arguments we have come up with thus far are insufficient.

We have attacked evolution with arguments like “it is just a theory” or “creationism is more accurate in explaining the evidence” but we have to somehow come to terms with the fact that the proof for evolution is real. It is time we got on the same page with scientists. No one will take us seriously if we argue only through our own Biblical lens, sputtering arguments full of confirmation bias, trying our hardest to confirm what we interpret the Bible to say. We need to have enough faith in God to know that He is not stupid. Let that wash over you. The Almighty is not stupid. He wouldn’t leave evidence against our current beliefs about creationism and insist that we keep those beliefs. The Bible says:

For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse (Romans 1:20).

Science and theology will line up. I believe this with all my heart. But the way we Christians are acting seems to portray the belief that science and theology do not line up and we are just going to side with theology without worrying about the two being reconciled.

Yes, we believe in God’s Word. But when we are trying to debate the truth about science and society, we need to debate on the secular playing field and not ours. We must use their facts, not ours. And where does faith come in, you ask? Well, faith comes in when you trust that theology and science will line up because the Almighty is not stupid.

Distance

I'm sorry for
distancing myself from you
I'm just scared
of being that person
whose presence is dreaded
and so I'm never there.

Falling Fully

Falling fully into you
I want these crumbling walls to cease
to break, to burn, to die

To smile without these shades on my eyes
Let the laugh lines grow beside and into yours
our laughs will merge; a polyphonic melody

I'm only giving half a smile
because you only give me half of yours
but how will the map of our lives fit together
if even our smiles cannot flow into one river

I want to nudge your toes with mine
to giggle, yes, to giggle sometimes
to lean my head against your chest
but the wall, the dam' wall still stands

Falling fully into me
I think you too want these crumbling walls to cease
to break, to burn, to die.

To love at all is to be vulnerable

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

-C.S. Lewis-

This has hit directly on an open wound. I need to move forward. I've literally tried to hide everything I am behind a self-assured outlook and attempted eloquence and false humility that is close to outright pride. I have felt deeply but my words never, ever go below the surface. The ripples come and go but they never penetrate. 

I've hoped that I can be happy with my long walks and songs that smell like heaven but I still need other human beings. The question is, do they want me? Do they want this pile of fat who is trying to be beautiful? This person of average intelligence who does assignments a week early to prove something to "them." Do they want this person who cannot carry a straight conversation the moment she thinks they are evaluating her? Do they want this person who can be interesting but is scared that no one else thinks so? She wonders, do they want her for the words she says or the songs she sings or the food she cooks or the smiles she hands out freely because she wants them to want her. She wonders if they care.

And even when they do, when they reach out for a hug, she wonders how long they will want her-- she's scared that it won't last.

You know it's a bad day

You know it's a bad day when you read a book of love poetry and two children's books. You know it's a bad day when someone else's emotionally charged Facebook post invokes emotions that you buried deep inside and you start to cry. You know it's a bad day when you go on a hike at night with friends and your childhood phobias of hikes creep up to you but your dad isn't there to hold your hand anymore.

You know it's a bad day when you try listening to Disney music but even that can't cheer you up. You know it's a bad day when you can almost feel the chemicals being released in your brain as you cry in relief because crying is the only effort you make to communicate your emotions besides "bleeding on paper" like Hemingway suggested.

You know it's a bad day when you google Chopin sheet music at 3 am in the middle of a breakdown just because you want the familiarity of looking at music notes shaped like bean sprouts. You know it's a bad day when you decide to listen to Chopin after that.

You know it's a bad day when you have a headache that encompasses not just your head but all your nerves.

You know it's a bad day when you feel like no one has your back. You know it's a bad day when you're trying, really trying to make friends but you can't help but wonder if you are gonna end up alone like you always do.

You know it's a bad day when the best quote you think of is "the only reason I make memories is to write about them."

You know it's a bad day when you're trying to write something worthwhile and the only word you can think of is "cry."

I just thought you should know

I just thought you should know
That my mind is so tight with the thought of you
That I'm crying myself to sleep
because I don't understand you

I just thought you should know
that I'm trying, I really am
To be a person that's worthy
to not have everyone hate me
I thought you cared

And now I am literally
typing with my eyes closed because I want to cry and write at the same time
and I hear you
even when you don't speak
i hear phantom voices
echoes
they perpetuate the lull of loneliness
i am writing angsty poetry
and I know none of it will
be good enough for you

because to you
I am boring
ever smiling
a lump
a sore thumb

there
but not quite

and i hear you laughing
and i do not,
will not
take it badly
you must live your life

But I just thought you should know
that I tried and I
am trying