To love at all is to be vulnerable

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

-C.S. Lewis-

This has hit directly on an open wound. I need to move forward. I've literally tried to hide everything I am behind a self-assured outlook and attempted eloquence and false humility that is close to outright pride. I have felt deeply but my words never, ever go below the surface. The ripples come and go but they never penetrate. 

I've hoped that I can be happy with my long walks and songs that smell like heaven but I still need other human beings. The question is, do they want me? Do they want this pile of fat who is trying to be beautiful? This person of average intelligence who does assignments a week early to prove something to "them." Do they want this person who cannot carry a straight conversation the moment she thinks they are evaluating her? Do they want this person who can be interesting but is scared that no one else thinks so? She wonders, do they want her for the words she says or the songs she sings or the food she cooks or the smiles she hands out freely because she wants them to want her. She wonders if they care.

And even when they do, when they reach out for a hug, she wonders how long they will want her-- she's scared that it won't last.