Tempted (Must I?)

Tempted to just die
To fling it all away
Tempted to just cry
To put it all to waste

But where will I hide
I'm running ahead
Will I find Your loving arms
Or a sword poised to stab?

Tempted to just die
To fling it all away
Tempted to just cry
To put it all to waste

Even that hole seems inviting
Compared to this disorientating plateau
I won't cry
I won't hide
Please materialize.

I've seen a glimpse
And I can't get it off my mind
I've seen hope
And I'll see it again.

The mist cleared a little
Then it came back
With threat of rain
I want to cower and hide

Won't You enter my pain?
Won't You render the veil?

Must I run alone?
Must I run with bare feet?
Must I run with my face looking down?
Must I run through the wilderness
without You to carry me?

Kicking and screaming
Putting wild Nebuchadnezzar to shame
I don't want to go there
Save me please.

Am I looking the wrong way?
The darkness tried to engulf me
But my bones aren't willing to die
They've been alive
And they won't settle for anything less.

I was alive and blind
But alive nevertheless
But now I'm being pushed down

He pulls me near to open my eyes
He pulls me near
He cleans my wounds
He shelters me
My Shepherd and my King.

Beat Down (I won't)

Pound by pound
Tonne by tonne
I feel weighed down

Get up for a while
Feel the air caress your skin
Run a few miles
But I still feel beat down

ABC
Every one of my sins

123
Do You hate me?

I won't give up
I won't back down
But I am weak.

Sea

Deep, blue sea
With your waves and breakers
Waves diffract, waves crash
A miracle of white and blue
Green creeps into their harmony
You are a fantasy materialized
You are a soul in hiding.

Push, pull
The constant struggle
You dance so emotionally

The sun hits your surface
And I'm enticed
Though I may die
I want to dive
I've never felt this way before.

You're married to the wind
And You dance together
You laugh at humans that come to gaze

God made you beautiful
He made you a mirror
of the human soul
Dancing forever
In secrets untold.

To want to

If I was proven guilty
If I was hard-hearted
If I was tainted and wounded
Would You still love me?

In my weakness
I know You love me
But in my immaturity
And in my selfishness
And in my callousness
Do You still love me

You knock and I answer
But what will I find in Your eyes
Will they be disgusted
By my self-inflicted bruises
Or will they show mercy
To this undeserving one.

Do you hold me kicking and screaming
Or are we at peace?
Do you kiss me grudgingly
Or with gentle ease?

I know that You love me
But what does that really mean?
Do You pat my head responsibly
Or do You draw me in and engulf me?

It's one thing to do
It's another to want to do

Are You responsible for me
Or are You jealous for me?

Human Emotion

Human emotion
A complication of corruption
Mingled with noble intention
And a side of misplaced expectation.

I won't pretend to understand
These emotions strand by strand
All I can see is a heap
of chaotic monotony.

Make Me A Beautiful Tapestry

The threads of my life are entangled
Each entwined in disarray
I need You to make it Your masterpiece
A beautiful tapestry of unbeautiful threads.

Each thread a different colour
Each note a different emotion
Make me a tapestry
Make Yourself a gift.

Strand by strand
thread by thread
Pull me apart and kill me
Then weave me back
And stitch me up
And make me a beautiful tapestry.

Strand by strand
Thread by thread
Cut me open and fix me.
Then weave me back
And stitch me up
And make me a beautiful tapestry.

Free Fall

The worst isn't rock bottom,
It's when you're hanging over it
It's easier to fall
Than to be scared to.

I'm waiting for the free fall
Cause Your loving arms will catch me

And then I'll get back up again.

It was never their role
To let me fall
But it's time now
For the free fall.

But it's got to be into Your arms
And then I'll be strong again.

Allegiance and Colour

I'll paint my feet with colours
And slide across the canvas
I can feel the colours rising
From the gray inside my soul.

As I slide I see the pictures arise
From the white canvas I'm eliminating
I won't live a life of gray or white
I'll live a life of colour and dreams.

Throw down the pain
Pick up the joy
Push away the uncertainties
Today's the day for allegiance
Let allegiance rise to the King.

Ashes and Beauty

Tempted to wallow
In the ashes of yesterday
Tempted to stay
In the dust of disappointments.

But I know for sure
The ashes are a cheap replica
For the beauty I've never truly seen
For the jewels I've been searching for

I know
When I see the eyes of fire
That every weak passion
Will die in the wake
Of tomorrow's incomparable hopes
That last through eternity.

Than Give Up On Me (I'm ready)

These wounds of mine are healing
As the blood stops flowing
As I see Your face looking on mine

The sorries are innumerable
It's been ten thousand times
I've tried to get out of this morbid dance
I've tried to let the anxious chains flee

I've seen Your face
At least a little
Behind the mist
But I've seen Your face

But You see the fears
And You see the pain
I've shed enough tears
For this chain I can't explain.

Take me over
Bring me down
Make me one with You

Cause I'm ready for the oceans
I'm ready for the forests
I'm ready to be free
Yes I'm ready to be free

This morbid dance must end
These anxious chains be broken
I'll just let You carry me.

These scars of mine are healing
I'll let You cleanse me
You cover me with a shield
And You go before me with a sword.

I'll see beauty in the brokenness
I'll see beauty in belonging
I'll see beauty in the scars
In the scars that You're healing

The scars are symbols of my shackles
That You've broken and dissolved
The scars are  symbol of a God
Who would rather die
Than give up on me.

Broken Bride Unites

We're waiting for the day
When the broken bride unites

Where innumerable songs are sung
And many languages flow into one
And many hearts are as one
When the broken bride unites.

Yes, her feet have run to the east
And her eyes look to the west
And her hands reach for the north
And her ears hearken
to the sound of the south.

Where the wounds of centuries are healed
As the bride takes a bath
In the blood of her jealous groom
Who would rather die
than find another bride.

When the broken bride unites.

The groom has a longing deep within
To be united to his broken bride
But the bride loves life in separation
She forgets the touch of her groom
And the groom still sings
And the groom still waits
And the groom screams
And the groom groans
And the bride forgets
And the bride wallows in the ashes
of cheap yesterdays.

Let the broken bride unite.

When I

When I think of my tired feet
Then let me think of my Lover's
Nail-pierced at the cross
Burnished and walking the streets of heaven

When I'm afraid to open my eyes
Then let me think of my Lover's
Burning and searching
Passionate and gripping

When I cry for you
Then let my tears fall as incense
Into the bowl of prayers of the saints
In God's very throne room.

Shield

My bare skin used to be exposed
To arrows and spears
That pierced me
That wounded me

You give me a shield
That walls me in
Like fire
Like a most vehement flame.

The arrows stop piercing
And my wounds begin to heal
And my heart begins to trust
Cause I know the arrows won't pierce me again.

But here and there
In moments of despair
The arrows pierce
And the pain returns
In waves
It churns

Audience of one

To be holy
To be sanctified
In your eyes

Blaze
Burn
Shine
Your eyes search mine

Suffer
Die
Resurrect the dead

We will believe again.

Deeper
Sanctified
Audience of one
Amen.

Sorry

I can see it in your eyes
That once shone bright
They've lost faith in me
They've seen through the glass

I'm sorry

I'm sorry for not being me
At least the me you thought I'd be
Your expectations I dashed

The raw flesh you see
And the broken pieces
Of a hollow vessel
That didn't get transformed

But I'm a work in progress
He's not done

Never Return

Let the ropes disentangle
Let this song arise
The stench of a morbid soul
Be released and never return

Let the ashes die
Let wisdom rise
The ring of anxious cymbals
Be released and never return

Cause dry bones crumble
And dry bones die
But I won't crumble
And I won't die

Let calloused hearts stumble
Let hardened hearts die
Let hearts of flesh spring up
Let beauty materialize.

Of all ages

Push back
Step forward
Chains be loosed
No hesitation

Tomorrow we fight
The battle of the ages
Tomorrow we win
We won't die

We'll dance the dance of the ages
We'll sing the song of the ages
We'll sink and never again rise
But we will never die.

We'll dine with the Ancient of Days
We'll glide on streets of gold
We'll drink from the cup of all ages
Where the present of every age
Meets our ever-present eternity.

We'll see the  'so much more's
We'll see fantasies manifest
We'll live in our highest hopes
As we live in no age and all ages.

The Mud Dance in Chains

Ooh
Slip
No
Yes

I mustn't slip into the mud
Again and again
I prance
I dance

I mustn't slip into the mud
But again and again
Can't prance
Can't dance

To dance in chains
To dance near mud
Into the mud I must go
Unless I prance and dance

Is that how it will always be?

I've heard of drier, greener lands
I've heard of lighter, freer feet

When You See Me

When you see me;
Do you see pain?
Do you see love?
Do you see hate?

I'd like to think,
I'm a mingling of these;
Shadows and lights,
Of a soul that speaks your language.

When you see me,
Do you think I have pride?
Do you think I'm stagnant?
Nonchalant?
Neutral?

When you see me;
Do you see the laughs inside?
Do you see the cries within?
Do you see the dead and alive?

Should I even care what you think
when you see me?

Feet in ocean~Feast in the ocean

Yes, yes
Today's the day
I finally put my feet in
the ocean.

I've been trying
I've been searching
I've been falling
I've been failing.

And as I rise
I long to fall
Into grace and love
But from who?

Cause it's from You alone
I must find my prize
Find my joy and my delight

Eyes like fire
Gaze into mine
Cause I'm so tired of
being denied
acceptance.

Feet in the ocean
We'll have a feast in the ocean.

Where feelings mingle

On one hand
It's a date

On one hand
I'll never forget

On one hand
I broke the chains

On one hand
I smiled again.

But the other hand sighs
And craves affections
And craves approval
And craves love

On one hand
My soul said yes

But on the other hand
I cried

Let's make it both hands.

The Truth

It's mostly a mist where I live. The clouds are almost personified.They draw me in so deep that I forget reality. They pretend to be what I long for.

The other day I saw a cloud, shaped like a man. I saw the curvature of his body and I got drawn in. My imagination filled the white unknown with colours. His features seemed to pan out all on their own. His eyes were beautiful. His nose was the nose of the one I love. His hands too.He beckoned. I almost went to his call. But I realized he was just a cloud, mist, dream.

The other day I saw a cloud, shaped like a lady. She was stately and beautiful. She smiled. She showed me her unblemished features and incomparable beauty. She called me and I almost followed her call but stopped with one foot in the air ready to walk. For she was just a cloud, mist, dream.

Where I live I can't seem to see the truth. The clouds and dreams and mists, they draw me in.

They promise to satisfy.
They say they won't leave me dead and broken.
I don't believe them.
And yet sometimes, I do.

The role of a cloud is simply to be a cloud.

Dry Bones Rise #2

I looked all 'round
For those eyes that cared
For those lips that whispered
my name alone.

I looked all 'round
And I tried to reach out
And I tried to be loved
But all I got was a burn out.

When the bones within
Failed to rise
When my heart beat
For what wasn't mine
Then I cried.

I tried too hard
To draw 'em near
I tried too hard
To be loved

Stomped my foot
And waved my red flag
Then went around
Flaunting my ashes

A hazard I was
But the void was still there
A pain I was
And maybe still am

Then I heard of the unheard of
That someone did care
That His eyes shone for mine
That He searched me out

But there seemed to be a catch
There seemed to be a trap
Dry bones rise
The Spirit is moving in mine.

Dry Bones Rise

Dry bones rise

I was a soul
Isolated by inhibitions
Of an accumulation of moments
That never satisfy.

I was lurking on the shores
Of a great ocean
I was dipping one toe in
every once in awhile

And every thing I did
I looked around
And I cried
 Because even my joy
Couldn't be enjoyed

Love bids me home
Where my Father awaits
Love bids me home
Where inhibitions die
Love bids me home
And tells me 'sin no more'

When I dance,
it's for You and
when I sing,
my eyes are upon You

When I look towards man
And when I look towards
The satisfaction of my numbed flesh
Then hunger prevails
And I find my anxious wilderness.

The Longing

The longing to be held
To be carried
To be kissed

The longing for the tender
For the strong
For the noble

The longing to be saved
To delight
To stay under
 a tree full of fruit and leaves.

The longing to be held
To be cherished

The longing seems unworthy
Seems shameful
Seems wrong to me

The same longing of the desperate
That resounds in the valley
The longing that you're not sure
 can be satisfied on the mountain

Ashes must die

I've tied myself into a knot
I've hidden myself in a hole
I've sheltered myself from relations
I've covered my face with a mask.

But the soul that's hidden
Is bound to die
Is bound to get tired
Of the hidden isolation
Of the fake smiles
And love that never penetrates
To lust after the things
it once put away.

To seek malignant pleasures
To cry
To seek beauty in the ashes
But the ashes must die
For beauty to rise.

The Slightest

Do this
Do that
Do neither

Voices in my head
Pulling me apart
I'm waiting for the victory dance
To stop the morbid melody

Do this
Do that
Do neither

I will rise

The slightest inhibition
Is sometimes as good as a wall
Like lead in your blood
That stops your respiration

The slightest root of accusation
Leaves me breathless in its halt
But I won't back down
To the historic mounds
Of fingers pointed
And fists raised.

But the slightest sign of hope
Picks me up from the dust
After a lifetime of haze
I've seen the sun.

Chasing fading lights

Like Christmas lights
after a year
Like a ball of yarn
twisted and frayed

I'm knotted and torn
I'm numb and worn
Chasing fading lights
In a dark world
As they beckon and taunt
Then succumb to the dark of night.

But the largest light
Calls me home
In an epiphany of noises
And in a still voice

Just cause it feels right
Doesn't mean it is right

I want to dance
To sing
I want to be free

To try

You long for a song
That will rise from my lips

But I am too weak for
love to penetrate

The tears flow
In episodes of
fury and frustration

I strive to play nice
But my insides don't comply.

I feel knocked down
And compelled to rise.

This hollow heart
is called to love

This shallow soul
flails and fails

This knotted up mind
Strains to feel knitted.

And I am not alone.

Longings I was made to feel
Mingle with satisfactions banned and temporary
And a heart that is too weary
To attempt cavalry.

This heart longs for rest
But I'm told the road to rest is strife.
And this heart seems too knotted up
to try.