I keep a pen in my pocket whenever I need to do something scary because I can remind myself that the horrible, horrible emotions that flood through me will be useful for a poem someday. I must write for it is the only way for me to meta-analyse my life. It is the only way for me to DEMAND something. Being Nicole in real life means trying your best not to offend anyone-- being a blunt little screw that tries to drive itself into whatever hole is built for her. But being Nicole on a page is quite a different thing. Nicole on a page is demanding. Nicole on a page knows her worth. Nicole on a page is vain, is cutting, is sarcastic. But more importantly, Nicole on a page is brave. Nicole on a page says she is not happy. Whilst Nicole in real life sings songs softly, not wanting to offend anyone, Nicole on a page belts it out.
But Nicole on a page needs to be careful because Nicole on a page has the potential to hurt Nicole in real life's friends. Nicole's friends think she is rarely angry, ever willing to agree; but they don't know Nicole on a page-- they don't know how deeply she feels.
Nicole is tired today-- hence the third person narrative. Nicole wishes someone would come and hug her and tell her it's going to be okay. Nicole feels like crying. Nicole wishes people wouldn't avoid eye contact with her either in fear of rejection or simply fatigue because Nicole feels like she is a burden. Nicole wants someone to hold her, to be unselfish for her-- Nicole realizes this is selfish but Nicole wants this, Nicole wants someone to talk to her without demanding help.
Nicole is tired of trying to be whatever "they" need. Nicole wants to be demanding in real life for once. But alas, Nicole in real life is quite different from Nicole on a page.
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