San Francisco

You're a paradox to me
You're living proof that urban nature is not an oxymoron
Where the sea kisses the feet of the city
and vice versa
they are not in animosity

Vibrations in my flesh
because of cars speeding by on Golden Gate Bridge
I stand watching the birds flock below me
I learn the breath of the wind

I walk, further, further still
I sing to the gallows
they won't bind me

I brisk walk to Safeway
Also down the steps of Civic Center Station
First time riding the subway

I take the wrong bus again and again
I leave earlier next time

I hike through Golden Gate Park
To Ocean Beach
It's a cold day
windy
misty
chills hug me

On to La Taqueria
I eat a burrito that tastes like home
even though I never ate burritos at home

I link arms with a friend
And get smitten with Smitten's ice cream

I never expected this fear to rise
This fear that I'm leaving home
But slowly and silently
undetected
I've left pieces of me in this sacred city.

Sad humor in third person narrative.

I keep a pen in my pocket whenever I need to do something scary because I can remind myself that the horrible, horrible emotions that flood through me will be useful for a poem someday. I must write for it is the only way for me to meta-analyse my life. It is the only way for me to DEMAND something. Being Nicole in real life means trying your best not to offend anyone-- being a blunt little screw that tries to drive itself into whatever hole is built for her. But being Nicole on a page is quite a different thing. Nicole on a page is demanding. Nicole on a page knows her worth. Nicole on a page is vain, is cutting, is sarcastic. But more importantly, Nicole on a page is brave. Nicole on a page says she is not happy. Whilst Nicole in real life sings songs softly, not wanting to offend anyone, Nicole on a page belts it out.

But Nicole on a page needs to be careful because Nicole on a page has the potential to hurt Nicole in real life's friends. Nicole's friends think she is rarely angry, ever willing to agree; but they don't know Nicole on a page-- they don't know how deeply she feels.

Nicole is tired today-- hence the third person narrative. Nicole wishes someone would come and hug her and tell her it's going to be okay. Nicole feels like crying. Nicole wishes people wouldn't avoid eye contact with her either in fear of rejection or simply fatigue because Nicole feels like she is a burden. Nicole wants  someone to hold her, to be unselfish for her-- Nicole realizes this is selfish but Nicole wants this, Nicole wants someone to talk to her without demanding help.

Nicole is tired of trying to be whatever "they" need. Nicole wants to be demanding in real life for once. But alas, Nicole in real life is quite different from Nicole on a page.

I Discovered Chai Today

Chai Tea.

If you translate that word for word, it becomes "tea tea". But in Western settings, when people say "chai tea" they refer to "masala tea". Masala tea, originating in India, is now widely popularized as one of those hip drinks you drink in a cafe in San Francisco while contemplating your next "hella cool" startup idea with your open-minded friends dressed in leather jackets.

So, back to why I am writing this article. Being an Indian by ethnicity, masala tea is not an uncommon drink to me. But I've never liked it. Tea was fine enough; why add some weird spice that belongs in dosa to tea? That is a stance I took ever since I first drank masala tea at some family gathering or another.

And then a strange thing happened today.

I went to one of those hip, tech cafe places that sprout like mushrooms in San Francisco. The place was called "Chai Bar." And then I ordered chai tea. I knew it was masala tea but I have a weird tendency to order drinks I know I am not going to like. But, boy, am I glad I did it today.

I expected to tolerate  drink, get some productive work done and then head back to the residence hall.  But instead, when I took a sip, I found myself liking this "chai tea." If you do not get why I am writing this story yet, then let me spell it out for you. I am an Indian who never liked masala tea in its true form. Then I come to the US and I like chai?

The world is truly a strange place.

I have a newfound respect for evolved, Americanized, fusion food.

Religion and Pseudoscience

I stopped taking my asthma medication for one week when I was in high school. No, I was not a stupid kid who was trying to get my health into trouble. I was a fundamental, evangelical Christian who believed in faith healing. There were preachers who came to our church and preached that taking medication was preventing our healing.

I’d heard stories about Christians who would stop taking medication-- believing God would heal-- then dying. And here I was, trying to do this. I couldn’t stand the cognitive dissonance of believing in healing but taking medication at the same time.

All I ended up with was heavy breathing and asthma symptoms.

I apologize if this introduction makes it sound like I am going to write an article bashing Christianity, bashing people who are ignorant enough to believe in faith healing and teach it to their kids. I am definitely not doing that. And this may surprise you, but I still do believe in faith healing.

What I do want to write about is the attitude of denial that many Christians feel compelled to live in. When science or society diverges from our doctrines and theology, we feel compelled to simply ignore the evidence instead of carefully examining it. Jesus never told us to have confirmation bias. In fact, His word says:

For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear (2 Timothy 4:3). 

It sounds to me like He was warning AGAINST confirmation bias. We must consider the evidence, not simply make it suit what we already believe. So here is a list of some things that I have proclaimed belief in for years because of pressure to conform to the version of Christianity that I was brought up in:

1) Evolution is not true because God created the world. To believe in evolution is to deny God.
2) God heals so you do not need medication.
3) Gay marriage is wrong and people who do so are choosing to sin.

That is by no means a comprehensive list but those are three things I have wrestled with a lot. Before you dear fundamentalists shake your heads at what nonsense and heresy I am proclaiming, I beseech you to hear me out. I am by no means saying that any of these three things are not true. I am only saying that the arguments we have come up with thus far are insufficient.

We have attacked evolution with arguments like “it is just a theory” or “creationism is more accurate in explaining the evidence” but we have to somehow come to terms with the fact that the proof for evolution is real. It is time we got on the same page with scientists. No one will take us seriously if we argue only through our own Biblical lens, sputtering arguments full of confirmation bias, trying our hardest to confirm what we interpret the Bible to say. We need to have enough faith in God to know that He is not stupid. Let that wash over you. The Almighty is not stupid. He wouldn’t leave evidence against our current beliefs about creationism and insist that we keep those beliefs. The Bible says:

For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse (Romans 1:20).

Science and theology will line up. I believe this with all my heart. But the way we Christians are acting seems to portray the belief that science and theology do not line up and we are just going to side with theology without worrying about the two being reconciled.

Yes, we believe in God’s Word. But when we are trying to debate the truth about science and society, we need to debate on the secular playing field and not ours. We must use their facts, not ours. And where does faith come in, you ask? Well, faith comes in when you trust that theology and science will line up because the Almighty is not stupid.

Distance

I'm sorry for
distancing myself from you
I'm just scared
of being that person
whose presence is dreaded
and so I'm never there.