Falling Fully

Falling fully into you
I want these crumbling walls to cease
to break, to burn, to die

To smile without these shades on my eyes
Let the laugh lines grow beside and into yours
our laughs will merge; a polyphonic melody

I'm only giving half a smile
because you only give me half of yours
but how will the map of our lives fit together
if even our smiles cannot flow into one river

I want to nudge your toes with mine
to giggle, yes, to giggle sometimes
to lean my head against your chest
but the wall, the dam' wall still stands

Falling fully into me
I think you too want these crumbling walls to cease
to break, to burn, to die.

To love at all is to be vulnerable

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

-C.S. Lewis-

This has hit directly on an open wound. I need to move forward. I've literally tried to hide everything I am behind a self-assured outlook and attempted eloquence and false humility that is close to outright pride. I have felt deeply but my words never, ever go below the surface. The ripples come and go but they never penetrate. 

I've hoped that I can be happy with my long walks and songs that smell like heaven but I still need other human beings. The question is, do they want me? Do they want this pile of fat who is trying to be beautiful? This person of average intelligence who does assignments a week early to prove something to "them." Do they want this person who cannot carry a straight conversation the moment she thinks they are evaluating her? Do they want this person who can be interesting but is scared that no one else thinks so? She wonders, do they want her for the words she says or the songs she sings or the food she cooks or the smiles she hands out freely because she wants them to want her. She wonders if they care.

And even when they do, when they reach out for a hug, she wonders how long they will want her-- she's scared that it won't last.

You know it's a bad day

You know it's a bad day when you read a book of love poetry and two children's books. You know it's a bad day when someone else's emotionally charged Facebook post invokes emotions that you buried deep inside and you start to cry. You know it's a bad day when you go on a hike at night with friends and your childhood phobias of hikes creep up to you but your dad isn't there to hold your hand anymore.

You know it's a bad day when you try listening to Disney music but even that can't cheer you up. You know it's a bad day when you can almost feel the chemicals being released in your brain as you cry in relief because crying is the only effort you make to communicate your emotions besides "bleeding on paper" like Hemingway suggested.

You know it's a bad day when you google Chopin sheet music at 3 am in the middle of a breakdown just because you want the familiarity of looking at music notes shaped like bean sprouts. You know it's a bad day when you decide to listen to Chopin after that.

You know it's a bad day when you have a headache that encompasses not just your head but all your nerves.

You know it's a bad day when you feel like no one has your back. You know it's a bad day when you're trying, really trying to make friends but you can't help but wonder if you are gonna end up alone like you always do.

You know it's a bad day when the best quote you think of is "the only reason I make memories is to write about them."

You know it's a bad day when you're trying to write something worthwhile and the only word you can think of is "cry."

I just thought you should know

I just thought you should know
That my mind is so tight with the thought of you
That I'm crying myself to sleep
because I don't understand you

I just thought you should know
that I'm trying, I really am
To be a person that's worthy
to not have everyone hate me
I thought you cared

And now I am literally
typing with my eyes closed because I want to cry and write at the same time
and I hear you
even when you don't speak
i hear phantom voices
echoes
they perpetuate the lull of loneliness
i am writing angsty poetry
and I know none of it will
be good enough for you

because to you
I am boring
ever smiling
a lump
a sore thumb

there
but not quite

and i hear you laughing
and i do not,
will not
take it badly
you must live your life

But I just thought you should know
that I tried and I
am trying