That Church Kid.

Hi.
I am a 'church kid'
Lots of people are familiar with that term. I was that kid that heard both 'fire and brimstone' and 'He loves you' and was a little confused. I was the kid that didn't dare question.

I was the kid that thought the only way to follow God was to suppress the very longings that made me human.

I was the kid that didn't talk much because it was prideful to want people to know you, the only things you say should be for God's glory. Yeah, I was the kid that looked down. I was the kid that suffered guilt with the vaguest sensations till I became afraid to feel anything.

Because with everything I did, everything I felt, the fallenness tainted it all.

I was the kid that knew it was wrong to be weak, but didn't know how to be strong.

I was the kid that was told to love.
And so tried to love in hypocrisy.
And so tried to forgive.

And then it got worse.

For every wrong done to me, I was the kid that knew it was wrong to blame the other person. So with every disappointment, with every hurt, I knew it was always my fault.

I was the kid that believed that God hated me.

I was the church kid that sincerely tried to love God but also sincerely believed liking Him was near impossible.

I was the kid that sang the songs, knowing I couldn't live up to it all.

I knew, if I tried to live, I would do it wrong.

And I would sin.

And it tried to live but anxiety gripped me time and time again.

I was the kid that built walls against sin but ended up forfeiting life in the process.

I was the kid that was never a kid.
I was the kid that tried to bear the world's salvation on my shoulders before I ever felt it's joy in me.

I was the kid that tried to be His servant without ever being His child.

And I'm still struggling not to be that 'church kid'.
I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one.

Let Him love you.

Broken

I deserve to be broken

A Thousand Half-Convictions

A thousand half-convictions
Gripped by my tired hands
Every prayer I pray
Makes me tired and afraid

Strings?

Strings that bind
Push, pull
You feel it now
Your very heartstrings resound,
vibrate, cry

Too many strings
They're too strong
They pull, they push
All around.

Which string will lead me on?

The Crushed Map

Sometimes it's like I'm running
Running in the oceans
I started out with a vision
And the storms came
And the waves were aflame
And I lost the vision

When I started out I grasped the map
I never let it go
I pored and stared
And dreamed and dared
Till one day I found ashes in my hands

I grasped so tight
I tried so hard
I died again and again
I lost the things I never should have lost
In an attempt to find my vision true

But the days went by
And my fingers grew tired
And they shriveled up,
Tainted with wounds
And I clung so hard
To the hope I had
But I crushed the map in my hands

I saw it go to pieces
Like sawdust it flew
It was scattered like ashes in
the deep, blue sea.

And I myself was torn in two
And still I ran
And still I run
Till today when I stopped and stared.

I won't bind the sun

Break a stick
And watch it die
Silly analogies.

I want to see a brighter sun
So if the sun were bound by me
I'd drown it in insecurity.

Stomp your foot
And sing out loud
We're a race that tries to be free

But all these broken pieces
Won't make a tapestry
Silk-woven threads are needed
Or we'll never be free

I need to dance
I need to sing
Oh I need to dance
I need to sing

We're all narcissistic
Or maybe it's just me.

The Rant

There's something within
A burning flame
Not flames, mind you.
Only one flame
A consuming fire
I feel the heat

The cold cannot disguise it
The cold is only
the paradox of human wants
and the way we fulfill it

But I want to burn totally
This insulator won't
bring me down.

I guess I just want peace.
I guess I just want peace.
But the unknown is a noise
That threatens to break me
It haunts me

I am called to love the invisible
I am called to dive and to dance
into things I do not know.

I guess,
I guess I just want peace.