where

I'm addicted to the brokenness
The pain, the dissatisfaction
I'm addicted to the flailing
To the waiting
To the restless

But I'm tired of my addictions
Yet I can't move away
I feel stuck and hopeful
That maybe I'll rise from this dusty place.

Where carnal pleasures flee
And weak desires snuff out
Where strength and beauty abound
That's where I'll be found.

Where golden eyes shine bright and clear
Where baseless fears escape in tears
Where shriveled feet begin to dance
Where my restless heart finds its destiny.

The Nakedness of Me

Cause I'm living with mirrors
Mirrors all around
The reflect my every move
And hurl it back and disapprove

I'm living with mirrors
My every eye is on me
And I am obsessed with me
And to look to your own
Brings death in the end

 But I'm living with mirrors
And they tell me I don't measure up

And when I see me naked and incomplete
I build a wall around myself
And I flounder beneath the weight
Of bricks above, below and around

And today I felt the bricks begin to falter
Beneath a larger force
Hurl them away
I want to be free

But I can't deal with the nakedness of me.

And I feel Adam's carnal plight
As he hid from his Creator in nakedness
But my bricks, maybe they're just fig leaves
Tear them away
I want to be free

But I can't deal with the nakedness of me.

Reroute

Pull me closer
I feel torn apart
Then I wonder
If it's a sin
To be anxious at being
torn apart

If I look back
I lose my soul
If I move forward
I lose myself

Seems impossible
Not to chase lesser loves
Seems impossible
Not to try

Seems impossible not to
live for myself
Seems impossible to do otherwise


I've had a thousand cries
And I've rerouted twice
as many times
But my head never fully turned
to the other side
And I stayed where I was
In the dry, burnt sand.

Touchable pleasures
Trumped untouchable treasures
Maybe I've half-turned for the last time.

A stream

A stream flows
A stream flows
As the wind blows

A stream of tears
Clean from within
Full of guilt and fears
And shame and pain

I hear You call my name
I wish You would
call my name
Here in the stream I lie
Here on the ground I wallow

Repulsed by the tears
Full of guilt and fears
Full of shame and pain
All this aching I can't contain.

I want to dance
To a beautiful song
And I want to glide
On the smoothest ice

But every time I try
I know I shouldn't want to be happy
When people die.

No matter how much I may try
One more soul may die
Sometimes a soul seems an infinity
Though I may not seem to care

But the terror tears me up inside
As I swim in the stream
How can I sit by and wait to dance
As thousands die

How can I flirt with sin and shame
When a child starves
not knowing the taste of food.

This insufficiency is like pangs
in me.
I sit by
And shut out thoughts of reaching out
With folded hands
And a scrunched up heart
How do I move forward
With a God who doesn't seem
to understand.

Wretched I feel
How can they die?
As I sit by
And wait
For a dance?
That hardly seems fair.

Peace Shall Be Found

When your toes tingle
And your fear presses into your soul
And you are scared to think
You try to keep your mind blank

Every thought plummets into your
conscience.
Every move thrust into the war zone
Every pause accuses
you of something you
are afraid you did.

You long for a touch
For a voice, for a song
You think you expect too much
From the air, from the ground.

You wonder where's the source
Of your long-sought peace and joy
You flail and reach for a force
you're too weak to employ.

But I see the rain coming
To clear away your drought
To fertilize your dry ground

Peace shall be found.

yesterdays

I hear the whisper of yesterdays gone
I hear the laughter that was once my own
I see the love that I once had
I see the approval that I once scrambled to have.

I see us drifting apart
I see my weaknesses
Like secrets stowed
 within a fragile soul
You touched and I broke.
My oversensitive soul.

I see you hold new hands
And continue the song we began
I see myself at the begin of the rhapsody
We were neighbouring notes on a page
In a song that I no more call my own.

To Love and To Obey -- words

Some words trample
But never leave a mark
They scramble
Still leaving me stark.

They are sown
But never take root
With shouts they hit a vacuum
They never penetrate.

I must love
I must obey
But when I sing
The words don't seem
To penetrate

They leave me to ache
To turn and wrestle
They leave me to scream
Into the silence
That was never meant to be.