Rebel

Oh I see it in your eyes
Right through your disguise
Hard words and a hardened heart

You gave up long ago
When you fell and failed to rise
When you fought the headwind
for the last time

Rebel you may seem
But I see it in your eyes
You've built a concrete wall
Around your shattered glass heart.

Oh I see it in your smile.
Nasty it may seem
But I see it in your smile
You died for the last time

You fell and failed to rise
Your already cracked heart shattered
And you cried for the last time


Golden eyes beneath the dark
Light strewn heart beneath the weight
Dancing feet beneath the weight
Oh dance your way
To the chapel on a hill

Oh a rebel you may seem
But I see your glass heart
Oh rebel, all I see
Is a soul that wants to be free

Oh rebel don't you see
That the deadly love you seek
Will only make you die inside
With eyes closed
You won't see.

Oh rebel I know it's hard
But listen to me.

The Repelling Factor. Neither nor

I think I have a sort of repelling factor. I feel like people assume that I don't like them because of my nervous look whenever I see them.

They're wrong about that.

But I am so scared of being me.
The real me isn't very cool. The fake me is cooler but tiring to keep up with. And then there's the 'shell' me.

I just cut myself off every once in a while and hide in my shell. And that's when I get the repelling factor.
That's when I am neither my real awkward self nor my fake witty self.

That's when I am nobody.

Ugh

My actions are like acid.
They corrode my skin and eat up my hopes of who I should be.

I hate myself sometimes.
I hate that I am a hypocrite.
I hate that I am not most people's first choice for a friend.

I guess I have social apathy.
Not that I don't want to be sociable.
I do.
But I guess I just don't care anymore.

The Cloud

I saw your nose
And then it disappeared

I saw your eyes
And for a second in true happiness
I sighed.

I see your mouth
Waiting to kiss mine.

But I know that there's a cloud
In between you and me now.

My flesh yearns for
your touch
But you are all spirit now

There's a cloud between us
I feel deceived sometimes
There seems to be a cloud between us
Is it your fault or mine?

To be honest

This needs to be off my chest.
If you're reading this, then God wants to speak to you. This is the Gospel (at least part of it) if you haven't heard it before.

He stands at the door and knocks, if you open it, He will come in and dine with you.

God created this world. He shaped it. This world was and is for Him.

And mankind rebelled and we still do. We turn our backs on our Creator and do horrible things, we destroy ourselves, each other and this world we live in.

And for these bad things we do, we deserve to be punished severely.

God is completely good and just. This means he cannot be unjust, even if He loves us so much. So He has to punish us for all our wrong actions.

So, He sent His Son to earth.
Jesus ( His Son) came to set an example for us and to save us from our destruction.

He bore the punishment that we deserved.
The punishment we deserved for turning away from God and doing wrong things.
Jesus was crucified( a horrible way of killing someone ). And when He died He took upon Himself all our wrongdoing and everything evil and bad about us.

Jesus rose again after three days( meaning He came back from the dead).

He overcame death and evil.

We all deserve hell.
You, me and every human that has ever walked this planet except God's Son.
That's why God provided a way for us to escape our rightful punishment by punishing His Son instead. And by His Son, He technically means Himself because He and His Son are one.
God punished Himself for all our sins.

But God wants us to be with him.
To go to hell means to be separated from God for all eternity.

I hate the idea of hell.
I hate that it is permanent.
But it is.


God loves us and wants us with Him.
All we need to do is trust that Jesus has been punished for our sins and give ourselves back to God. We need to turn away from sin (and He gives us strength to do it).


Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It’s God’s gift from start to finish! We don’t play the major role. If we did, we’d probably go around bragging that we’d done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing.
Ephesians 2:7-10 MSG
http://bible.com/97/eph.2.7-10.MSG


If you read this, I pray with all my heart that you believe it.

I will be writing more soon.

And if you're confused, then just ask God to reveal Himself to you.

And if you have any questions or you just want to talk to somebody, feel free to send me a message on facebook.

Dead

I feel like a dead person. I feel like I am lyinf on the ground. And every time I try to get up, I go back down? Because as I get up, I am told I am not tall and high enough yet. And you're either high enough or as good as flat on the ground. Either down or up. And I feel like there's not much of a way out. So, prove me wrong, Dad.

Who

The thing about me is this. I am what I believe. I can be totally different people based on what I perceive you believe me to be. Basically, I act . Sometimes I act as someone you would like. Sometimes I act as someone you would hate . And sometimes even I am not sure.

Closed eyes

I feel like there's a song playing in my head. And I don't like it. And so I play another song, louder song to drown out the first.
Then maybe another or at least I amplify the second song.
But the first song still plays.
And it will continue to play.
I need to obey.
Or I will never learn to love the first song, the true song.

A hug

Pull me close
Hold me tight
Let me just stay in your arms.

Feel the warmth
Warmer than sunrise

I need you now
I need a touch.
Someone to sing this song
With me

I need you now.
Feel my pain
And let me stay
Right here in your arms

I need it to be real.
Not just a thought
Please let me stay
Right here in your arms.

She.

She sat by the lake. With her hands lifted up and sweet wind in her face. With the thrill of cool water playing with her toes and dancing amidst her phalanges. The kiss of the King and a word of advice had been given. Tomorrow all would end and begin. Worlds apart. It was time for take-off. Sweet innocent soul.

Cause you'll see- the paranoia of a person who fears rejection-

I wear long dresses
And cover my face
Cause you'll see

I got wounds all over
You'll be disgusted
By this not-so- anomaly.

I spray perfume
To hide the stench
Of dried blood
Cause you'll smell.

Cause you'll see.
The mask stays
Cause you'll see.

My wounds grow foul and fester Because of my folly.
Psalms 38:5 NASB
http://bible.com/100/psa.38.5.NASB

I wrote the poem yesterday and..
The Scripture was my Nana's scripture reading today.

God reads.

Loneliness

It aches.
I know tis' isn't right.
I shouldn't want attention.
I should be selfless.
I shouldn't have urges to slap myself
just so somebody will talk to me and care.

I want to have a real talk with somebody.
Perhaps it is just a pity party.
I feel anxiety.
I am tired and yet stubborn.
God help me.
Please.