To You

I don't expect you to be stronger than me. But I expect you to be strong. We will be equals, you and I. Side by side we'll run. When our heartbeats hear each other they will experience superposition, amplification, we will reign.

I don't intend to be weak. But I'll let you in. And we will trace every map that is our bodies and souls and minds. Yes and we will paint new maps together in lands unseen.

My feet may be smaller than yours but our strides will be equal.

I can almost imagine you in my arms. You're probably alive, which is a strange thought. Pray, friend, pray. Let His Spirit move your lips till our hands touch for the first time-- our Father uniting us, body, soul, mind. Pray, even on our wedding day, as I walk down the aisle, your bride. Pray, when our lips touch for the first time, even then don't stop.

Don't let me be ever be worth more to you than the eternal song that we've both started singing even now. Pray.

You and I

What we have is like a wound in my heart. It's not that I'm hurt, no. It's just too painful to keep opening and closing and opening and closing the hope. I tell myself to stop-- to know that I am just a string stretched too tightly in desperation. I've snapped. Today I let myself give up-- we would never work, you and I. Would we? I feel like every word I say is boredom to you. No, I don't think you're mean. I think you're a lovely person. This wound doesn't mean you hurt me. It means I hurt me by opening my heart too wide to things that were never mine.

I found myself today

I found myself today--crumpled
no, not like a heart that beats too fast,
but like an aching tummy that won't go away

I found myself today
saying the swear words
I swore I never would

I found myself today lying on the ground
still stiff in apprehension to the world
wishing to melt, release, collapse
into the arms of a vague someone

I found myself today
no, not screaming and crying

I found myself today
wanting rhythm but finding chaos
maybe my life is a weird jazz beat
with a timing I can't quite figure out

I found myself today
wanting, wishing, praying.

I found myself today
lost.

2017

2017.

It's seems like a number from a futuristic storybook but it is not.
The future is here.
And I'm not sure if I'm ready to embrace it.

2017.

you sound like a year
from a world that's not mine but someone else's
you don't sound like a year that I can be a child in
you make it seem like it's time to grow up

2017

how many tears and laughs and sighs and screams will you bring?


2017.

What a scary thought.
What a lovely thought
What an interesting thought.

3 am

Lying down at 3 am thinking of the way
My sharp edges hurt you
I didn't mean to

The greed for attention
Arrested my weak heart
I'm sorry

Sorry for the times
I pushed you down
So that I could protect myself
From vulnerability
Sorry for the times
I let my walls build up so high
Shutting you out

I'm sorry
I love you.

heart

I feel like my dictionary
of words
to form bodies,
reality
is too narrow

breaking at the seams
my heart
the threads
they run
the metal screws
rust
my heart is loosed

liquid everywhere
blood perhaps
pumps
falls
why

I don't want to be clingy

Darkness
and tiny lights
here and there

broken bones
everywhere

I'm chasing lights
tiny candles
chasing winds and tides
crying
misty
absorbed by nothingness
meaningless
sighing like Solomon
screaming like Nebuchadnezzar

Be strong
be weak
slut
die
move
cry

punch

you're like guitar strings
ever making me try to tune you
to be accurate
but what is accuracy
you pretend to make beautiful sounds
but how do I differentiate beautiful and ugly
who cares
why

I don't want to be clingy