I found myself today

I found myself today--crumpled
no, not like a heart that beats too fast,
but like an aching tummy that won't go away

I found myself today
saying the swear words
I swore I never would

I found myself today lying on the ground
still stiff in apprehension to the world
wishing to melt, release, collapse
into the arms of a vague someone

I found myself today
no, not screaming and crying

I found myself today
wanting rhythm but finding chaos
maybe my life is a weird jazz beat
with a timing I can't quite figure out

I found myself today
wanting, wishing, praying.

I found myself today
lost.