Why?

Why would I lay myself down
No, I haven't seen the gold
And I won't lie about my restless heart

Will I give up searching for the treasure?
And be satisfied with costume jewelry
Or will I die for the most wonderful treasure
Will I risk my drops of water
For an eternal rain.
Will I?
I will.
I surrender.

Hungry Eyes// You'll find the light elsewhere

I've seen your hungry eyes,
 the way you smile and wait for me;
 to see the pain inside of you,
 the pain that I feel too.

I've seen your searching eyes
They wander to and fro
They want me to just see,
  to see you
  I see you.

But I won't be the guy
 that looks into your hungry eyes
 and knows you see the hunger in mine
 and start what I could never end
 a deadly fire within our souls

I see your hungry eyes
But you'll find the light elsewhere.

Broken Pieces

I go back to the age-old metaphor

of a thousand broken pieces

I want to dance to the beat of a drum

And I've been chasing draggy beats

That will never satisfy

Come dance,

dance  child

to the beat of His drum.

I am a failure

This echoes in my mind day after day

I draw men to myself

Why not to God?

For I am weak

i want hugs.

the 'i' is small

cause it looks smaller

like it can't control anything

like it is weak

help

Identity.

Do you feel like a plant sometimes
Like you're rooted
Or like you imagine you are

Do you feel like you belong?
Do you feel like you're ingrained
In your culture
In your mold

And then were you uprooted?
And yet some residue was left behind.
And the plants that were by your side
All the while
They were left behind

The ones you used as mirrors
That made you believe you were you
And now you're not so sure anymore

And you wonder what defines you
And you decide
That you'll thrive here
You'll be a plant here
You'll bear fruit here
Because the sun still shines here
Because you can still feel the life in Your veins

Because you are you.

It'll take a while to grow the leaves that fell
The leaves that'll never be yours again.
But you'll grow them
And you'll find new neighbors.
But you'll never use them a mirrors again
Because you are you
And you are His.

Grow up

Like I said
I've forfeited life
By trying to bind myself
By trying to find myself

Like I said

It's time to grow up
To trust You
You'll help me decide
You'll help me choose

I won't back down
Help me

I'm too tired for words

I can't repent for my humanity.

And yet.

I feel I must

How.
How.
How.
Help me.

I don't think I've ruminated this idea well enough yet but I'm gonna have a go at this.

We all find our value in who others think we are, right?
I mean there are those amazing few who are confident in themselves so much so that they really don't care what people think. They just live their lives.

But honestly?
I don't think that's possible without risking hurting people. If what people think doesn't affect you at all, then you risk becoming unfeeling. There's  the other option of setting your beliefs straight but being sensitive to others when it comes to things that are worthy of compromise, like the type  food you share for a meal. In this case, you would stay to your beliefs. But you would shed the unnecessary dividers.

There's also a fourth option. This is one I have been ruminating on.
I feel that as a child of the King, I'm supposed to find my value solely in Him.
Then, why do I find myself longing for other people's approval. Almost everything I say or refrain from saying is done to please someone else, and I try to please someone else because if they are pleased with me, I feel like my value has increased. Come on, I know you feel that way sometimes.

So now I come to the question: Is it ever wrong to perform to get approval To try to prove my value to my peers? If it is wrong, if my value has to depend on God's opinion of me alone, then I definitely am failing.

Because the smallest touch affirms me.
And the smallest touch makes me feel I'm more valuable.

If these small touches I long for are wrong, then I am left depending on God alone for approval. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But I still long for other people to like me.


so here's my concluding question
the last patch of grass in my long ramble in the park of questions:

is it wrong that I want to be liked?
is it wrong, God?
Help me

A week

How could a week destroy me?
The shakable was shaken.
My prayer is the same.
Wound me
I am Yours

Don't let me go
Help me to stay focused on my goal,
my prize, is You.

Help!

I ask for a new hunger? A more lasting hunger? The fire is here. And I've had the shakable shaken. Now all that's left is truth. And truth is weaker than what I thought.

But I can deal with truth.
Help me.
I am weaker than I thought I was.

Sorry for taking up the sin again. The sin of glorifying myself. I am here for Your glory alone. I exist for Your sake. Let nothing change that. May You increase and I decrease.

In all things.
Amen.

Work

Ecclesiastes 5:12
The sleep of a laborer is sweet, whether they eat little or much, but as for the rich, their abundance permits them no sleep.


After hours of laboring(studying), I sit here. Ready for some sweet sleep.

No, this isn't exactly going to be about how hard work helps you sleep well. This is going to be about working, about being your own slave-driver. This is about working because you don't know what else to do. This is about distraction. This is about fatigue-motivated-carelessness, except that this form of carelessness is still semi-productive.

You're tired. 

So you work.

And work.

And you're tired.

And you work.

I need to start living.

And even in the work, the guilt is there. Cause you're not doing enough work.

Work.

Goodnight.

Scared

Sometimes I wonder if everyone is just braver than I am.
I feel isolated.
No, I cannot logically blame anyone else. I can't.
I am scared of people.
Why am I so scared of people?
If you asked me to write a poem,
about the beauty of diversity,
I could.
But I'm still scared.
I'm still scared of people.
Why am I scared?
Scared of people.

There's a lie that's taken root
that I could never be loved.

Why am I scared?
I'm so scared.

How am I going to survive?