A Thousand Half-Convictions

A thousand half-convictions
Gripped by my tired hands
Every prayer I pray
Makes me tired and afraid

Strings?

Strings that bind
Push, pull
You feel it now
Your very heartstrings resound,
vibrate, cry

Too many strings
They're too strong
They pull, they push
All around.

Which string will lead me on?

The Crushed Map

Sometimes it's like I'm running
Running in the oceans
I started out with a vision
And the storms came
And the waves were aflame
And I lost the vision

When I started out I grasped the map
I never let it go
I pored and stared
And dreamed and dared
Till one day I found ashes in my hands

I grasped so tight
I tried so hard
I died again and again
I lost the things I never should have lost
In an attempt to find my vision true

But the days went by
And my fingers grew tired
And they shriveled up,
Tainted with wounds
And I clung so hard
To the hope I had
But I crushed the map in my hands

I saw it go to pieces
Like sawdust it flew
It was scattered like ashes in
the deep, blue sea.

And I myself was torn in two
And still I ran
And still I run
Till today when I stopped and stared.

I won't bind the sun

Break a stick
And watch it die
Silly analogies.

I want to see a brighter sun
So if the sun were bound by me
I'd drown it in insecurity.

Stomp your foot
And sing out loud
We're a race that tries to be free

But all these broken pieces
Won't make a tapestry
Silk-woven threads are needed
Or we'll never be free

I need to dance
I need to sing
Oh I need to dance
I need to sing

We're all narcissistic
Or maybe it's just me.

The Rant

There's something within
A burning flame
Not flames, mind you.
Only one flame
A consuming fire
I feel the heat

The cold cannot disguise it
The cold is only
the paradox of human wants
and the way we fulfill it

But I want to burn totally
This insulator won't
bring me down.

I guess I just want peace.
I guess I just want peace.
But the unknown is a noise
That threatens to break me
It haunts me

I am called to love the invisible
I am called to dive and to dance
into things I do not know.

I guess,
I guess I just want peace.

I'd rather

I'd rather have full-blown intensity
Than the constant but weak pulse
of anxiety

I'd rather be pounded
Than slowly grazed and
slowly taunted.

I'd rather live single-mindedly
Than to float everywhere.

I'd rather feel pain
Than to stay numb in the nothing.

I'd rather have reality
Than a boring story.

Distract

Scrambling.

I climb an endless tower
I say tower, not a pit
For it promises joy to follow
But I feel anxious despair.

Do not worry for tomorrow
My Saviour will lead me through
Tis hard to get on top of things
And keep from being insane too.

Now this feels a little cheesy
But maybe I won't care
I'm tired of climbing this tower
This tower of despair.

Task after task I seem to have
Me, who relishes the empty times
Where stories distract me
From my fear of reality.

Anchor

How do I keep my eyes fixed
Don't let them wander
I won't be double minded
Like shifting waves that toss

Where is my anchor?
Be my Anchor.
Amen.

Eyes

Breath by Breath
Move by move
Let me be hypnotized
Revitalized.
I will be moved by
one pair of eyes.

Let This Wanderer Be Found

No words today.
Just breaths
Breaths of fear.

I'm insufficient.

What must I give?
What are my idols?
What do I do?

I just want to be free.
That's it,
I just want to be free.

And either way, I feel  bound
Let this wanderer be found.